EXCLUSIVE! Conan’s New Contract with TBS

CONTRACT AGREEMENT

This AGREEMENT for Future Employment is made between CONAN O’BRIEN and TBS.  Conan and TBS agree to the following terms:

1.)  Payment:  TBS shall pay Conan the potential sum of $10 million to own his own show that shall command less than 2 million viewers but no more than 2.6 million viewers. In exchange, Conan must agree to not only upstage GEORGE LOPEZ (aka THE THIRD WHEEL), but make Lopez regret endorsing Coco’s move to TBS upon realizing that Coco’s lead in STILL doesn’t help Lopez’s low numbers.

2.) Exit Plan 1: After Lopez’s numbers fail to improve at midnight, Coco takes over the midnight show, which will aptly be renamed “The Midnight Show with Conan O’Brien.” The 11pm hour will go back to…uh whatever the hell TBS was airing prior to Conan’s show.

3.) Exit Plan 2: Upon TBS’s realization that bringing in Coco would not bring in big numbers at all, Conan agrees to exit network with another $33.5 milion severance. “The Insider” will then move forward with a full expose about how this was Coco’s plan after all…to make millions of dollars in severance agreements, not by hosting late night talk shows. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

UNDERSTOOD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND AGREED.

____________________________   (sign here)

Conan O’Brien

_____________________________ (sign here)

T…bs

*****

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Job Hunter’s Guide To Valentine’s Day

Wanna kiss up to  sweeten that potential employer on Valentine’s Day?

Here are a few suggestions of what to send them on Feb 14th.

If you’re applying to Chick-fil-A, any candy or flowers will do…as long as it’s not sent on the 14th (it falls on a Sunday this year, so they’ll be closed).

If you’re applying for a job at Apple, you could send them an iPod filled with job-related songs like “Get a Job,” “9-5,” and “Workin’ For A Livin’.” Just whatever you do, don’t include “Take This Job and Shove It.”

It should go without saying if you’re applying for a job at See’s Candy, NEVER NEVER send them a Whitman’s Sampler. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!

If you’re applying for a job at Snickers, also not a good idea to send them someone old like Betty White. Or Brett Favre.

If you’re applying for a job at Toyota, a nice touch would be to drive over to Toyota to hand deliver them a Valentine’s Day gift. As long as you’re not actually driving a Toyota.

If you’re applying for a job at McDonalds, you could make them personalized heart candies with phrases  like “I’m lovin’ it!” and “Supersize me, you fool!”

If you’re applying for a job at NBC, you could score points with them by screwing Conan…just like NBC.

If you’re applying for a job at Boost Mobile, you could get them a landline for Valentine’s Day so you could hear what they hell they’re saying.

If you’re applying for a job at Facebook, you could send them a new application called “Add Me As A Lover” and then as a courtesy completely re-do the entire homepage to piss off all the other Facebook users – again.

And finally…

If you’re applying for a job at Exxon, a great Valentine’s Day gift would be to go into an Exxon restroom and wipe it down completely from top to bottom.

Love stinks!!!

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! Conan’s Severance Agreement

                             SEVERANCE AGREEMENT

THIS SEVERANCE AGREEMENT AND RELEASE (hereinafter “Forced Compromise”) is made between Conan O’Brien (hereinafter “SCORNED EMPLOYEE”) and NBC (“BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION”).  SCORNED EMPLOYEE and BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION hereby reluctantly agree to the following terms:

1.)  Severance Payment:  BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall pay SCORNED EMPLOYEE the potential sum of $33 million to let the door his ass on the way out. In exchange, SCORNED EMPLOYEE must agree to find a better deal from SMALLER OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION so BIGGER OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION won’t have to pay a dime. SCORNED EMPLOYEE also agrees to a “sitting out period” of 4 years (8 months in dog years)  8 months before going back on the air. SCORNED EMPLOYEE may compete against old/new “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno, but only during NBC’s encore telecast of “The Tonight Show” at 2:05am not any earlier than September 2010.

2.) Release of Claims: SCORNED EMPLOYEE and BIG COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall discharge one another from any blame (starting now, the last two weeks didn’t count) by releasing phony statements to accompany official announcement of SCORNED EMPLOYEE’S exit. SCORNED EMPLOYEE shall release statement such as, “For 17 years, NBC gave me the opportunity to be at the forefront of late night television. It is with great sadness that our relationship has come to an end. They can go to hell. I wish them well.” In exchange, BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall release similar phony statement such as, “Conan O’Brien is a truly innovative entertainer who can leap tall buildings in a single bound, bring peace to the Middle East, and walk on water. We are elated sad to see Conan go, and he can go to hell we wish him well.”

3.) Division of Assets: Since BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION has better lawyers than SCORNED EMPLOYEE, BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall retain such SCORNED EMPLOYEE signature characters like TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG and THE MASTURBATING BEAR. BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION acknowledges that no one can make either character come alive like SCORNED EMPLOYEE, but will keep them anyway just to piss off SCORNED EMPLOYEE.

UNDERSTOOD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND AGREED.

____________________________   (sign here)

Conan O’Brien

_  (sign here)

NBC

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Learn from Conan’s mistakes

There’s a great article that just hit AOL about  how to negotiate a better contract than The Ginger Man.

Basically, it says you should get everything in writing, review non-compete clauses carefully, and make sure what’s obvious is obvious.

Like the hours you work. Otherwise, your company may end up making you report to work at 12:05am.

Uh, no thanks.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Famous Work Quotes

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life…especially if NBC pays you off to leave. – Confucius

No work, no money. No money, no honeys. – Tiger Woods

A champion of the working man has never yet been known to die of overwork…but then again, Jay Leno was rushed to the hospital. – Robert Frost

Thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work…and it must be lightning that affects T-Mobile customers. – Mark Twain

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die…shouldn’t Joan Rivers be dead by now? – Eleanor Roosevelt

Work is a refuge of people who have nothing better to do…except for K-Fed. – Oscar Wilde

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man from a rich family who’s the happier man. – Benjamin Franklin. 

Want is the mother of industry. Want but can’t have is a real motherf@#$%r.  – Proverb

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get replaced by a guy in India twelve hours away. – Robert Frost

Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves…oh, who am I fooling. – Dale Carnegie

A man grows most tired while standing still…which is why they never made vertical La-Z-Boys. – Chinese proverb

Every calling is great when greatly pursued…unless it’s a guy asking a girl for a date on his cell phone while going through a tunnel. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I’d kill to be at a normal 9-5 right now. – OJ Simpson

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only. You can find the actual work quotes and many more here. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Today, I was wondering…

Do they drug test at Snoop Dogg’s label…

Is religion somehow mentioned during a job interview at the Church of Scientology…

Are their miss spellings on the application too two become Jessica Simpson’s personnal assistant…

Do they also have dirty bathrooms at Exxon’s corporate offices…

Is there a lot of baloney going on at the Oscar Mayer factory…

What’s the water cooler talk like at the offices of Arrowhead…

(is it “refreshing?”…)

Has anyone ever done coke at the offices of Coke… 

Do they literally have revolving doors at NBC executive offices…

Did an exec at Subway say, “Let’s make all our stores smell like sweaty locker rooms.”

What’s Casual Friday like for workers who make the Snuggie…

What’s Casual Friday like at a strip club…

What’s Casual Friday like at a loud Hawaiian shirt and blue jeans company…

Who the hell okayed the Snuggie…

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

…And You Thought You Hated Your Last Job!

It’s Monday, Jan 4. 

The holidays are over, and those of us out of work should be buckling down to find a job.

Of course, it blows to be sitting at home on the first Monday of 2010 and still unemployed.

Still, things could be worse. Before you begin the inevitable search for a full time job, take a look at some of the worst jobs currently out there…and count your blessings that you’re not holding down any of these positions!

Worst Jobs At The Moment

– Post Flight TSA Underwear Inspector

– Naked catsuit designer for Rush Limbaugh

– Specimen collector for Rush Limbaugh

– Publicist for St. Louis Rams

– Screenwriter for “Swing Vote 2”

– Personal Assistant/Maid/Manager/Publicist/Bartender/Slave for Lindsey Lohan

– Ratings analyst for NBC

– Anger management counselor for Charlie Sheen

– Joe Biden’s barber

– Joe Biden’s boss

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com