Archive for September, 2010

Snooki To Write a Book

September 30, 2010

About The Author: she's a drunk.

Hey, did you know Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi from Jersey Shore’s writing a book? Did you know Snooki can read? She can’t! But she’s releasing a book anyway!

Here are more details about her book:

* It’ll either be entitled “Black Out” or “Passed Out.”

* The front cover will “like, have her whole name on it!”

* It’ll be published by Random House’s new division, Random!

* The book won’t have anything meaningful in it whatsoever.

* The forward will be written by Lindsay Lohan: if she ever gets out of rehab.

No word yet who’s going to ghostwrite the book. So far, it’s a toss-up between  a 4-year-old and a baboon.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Auditioning today for the new reality show “Cali Coast” as Snooki’s cousin, Skanki.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

FREE Job Lead: Work for CONAN!!!

September 29, 2010

I Want YOU...if you qualify.

A NEW High Profile Late Night Comedy Show in Burbank, CA is seeking a Comedy/Talk Show Clip Researcher.

You know what this means?

It’s for CONAN’S new show!!!

It’s gotta be!!!

How many other NEW High Profile Late Night Comedy Shows in Burbank are there?

Craig Kilborn?!

As a Comedy/Talk Show Clip Researcher, you’ll research, find, and procure all types of clips for comedy and guest segments.

Oh…

You also need to have 2 years experience as a talk show clip researcher.

So that whittles down the list to 3 people.

Oh well.

I hear Conan’s looking for a new drummer.

And George Lopez is seeking a new wife.

Apparently, his ex-wife got sick of him always telling everyone that he knows Sandra Bullock.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. On my way to the doctors to see if my kidney’s a match for George Lopez before we get married.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

5 Fashion Police Arrests

September 28, 2010

Have I mentioned I’m a regular member of the US WEEKLY Fashion Police?

Did I also mention I lead this pack in the latest issue (Oct. 4, 2010) with five published comments???

Ironically, the winning outfit yesterday when it hit a record 113 degrees in Downtown LA: Lady Gaga wearing a frozen meat dress.

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Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

It’s so hot in LA…Lindsaypalooza

September 27, 2010

Blaming her dad for the heatwave.

It’s so hot in LA today… 

  

Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab just for the air conditioning. 

Lindsay ice skated out of jail. 

Lindsay partied with Bartles and James and Ben and Jerry. 

Lindsay’s blood alcohol level was SPF40.

Lindsay said she’d finally get clean for a Klondike Bar. 

Lindsay splashed cold vodka on her face. 

Lindsay walked around wearing only her SCRAM bracelet. 

Lindsay took 12 steps…into the pool. 

Lindsay got alcohol poisoning and sun poisoning. 

Lindsay got cranky and finally told Ali Lohan, “Look, you’re ugly.”

 **** 

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Moving this week from LA to Death Valley where it’s much cooler. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

5 things I learned from watching Sh!t My Dad Says

September 24, 2010

Not going to "in-vest" anymore time watching this sh!t.

1.) Some “high concept” ideas should just stay on Twitter. Kinda like how some fantasies should just stay in your head, like wanting to see Elmo wear Katy Perry’s low cut dress.

2.) Overacting doesn’t make up for a bad script. If it did, people in commercials for Hallmark and Campbell’s Soup would be winning Oscars.

3.) William Shatner’s wardrobe is a cross between The Crocodile Hunter and Wilford Brimley. Sadly, Shatner’s now old enough to replace Brimley in those ads for Liberty Medical.

4.) When all else fails, go with homo jokes!

5.) I won’t be watching “Sh!t My Dad Says.” I’ll just stick with reruns of “Joey.”

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Working on an all-new “high concept” show currently entitled Sh!t My Sh!t Says. I know, sh!tty title.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.      

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

An Open Letter to Paris Hilton

September 23, 2010

Paris, after reading the script.

Dear Paris,

I understand times are tough.

The Kardashians are like, way more popular than you and ur, like, so 2007.

I understand for that reason, you need to find ways to keep your name in the news and make a living, since your main source of income is album sales appearances.

That’s why you’ve been “acting out” lately, isn’t it? You know, with the whole “being caught with drugs” thing at airports? And then that whole incident with the cocaine cocaine in your purse your purse. 

Hey, I get it. It’s the only way you can score some publicity. Yes, Paris Hilton still can get arrested!

But you can’t get into Japan.

That’s when you know your fame ain’t what it used to be.

When horny Japanese businessmen actually refuse an American whore into their country.

Paris, I’m worried.

You need a purpose in life, a job.

A real job…you know, one that you can actually put on a resume?!

And I have the perfect job for you.

Astronaut.

Vivid Video has announced they’re seeking two actresses to film the world’s first sex video in outer space.

You and Lindsay Lohan would be perfect!

The film’s called “Star Whores.”

The launch takes place next Monday.

Shooting begins immediately.

After the launch, you’ll receive the script.

Here’s how the script begins:

“There is no sex video being filmed in outer space.

Nor is your shuttle ever coming back to this planet.

Buh-bye, bitches!!!”

xxoo,

The World

***** 

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. My new album about Paris Hilton, “Enjoy the Silence,” is in stores next Monday.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.      

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Top 10 Excuses Why Lindsay Lohan Failed A Drug Test

September 20, 2010
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Yes, Lindsay...we're just as bored with your antics.

by special guest Shawn Chapman Holley

10.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. Someone slipped her drink with Paris Hilton’s purse.”

9.)  “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. After four trips to jail, five trips to rehab, and ten warnings, you have to give her a chance.” 

8.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. She was doing research for a movie about herself and nailed it.”

7.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. OJ did it.”

6.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. That skank Emma Stone’s taken over as the ‘new, old’ Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay’s one pissed bitch.”

5.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. Clearly, it’s her dad’s fault.”

4.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. She just wanted to squeeze in one last sin before Yom Kippur.”

3.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. She was sleepsmoking.”

3.) (tie) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault.  She accidentally tripped and the drugs just fell into her mouth.”

2.) “Your honor, my client isn’t at fault. She honestly thought Big League Chew now came in white powdered form.”

1.) “Look, your honor. My client’s famous and we both know she’s going to get off with a slap on the wrist. So just give her another empty threat already and let’s call it a day.”

*****

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. Heading to the movies now to see the new Lindsay Lohan movie Mean Girls Emma Stone movie Easy A. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.      

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

How the stars are celebrating Yom Kippur

September 17, 2010

The stars are coming out for Yom Kippur!

Obama’s atoning for embarrassing his wife by not wearing his wedding ring.

Iran’s president let the American hiker go in lieu of observing Yom Kippur.

The execs at BP plan to hold their Yom Kippur services in De Nile.

Lady Gaga’s going to fast, then break the fast by eating her meat dress (with milk).

Carson Daly will be thanking God that his lame show somehow escaped cancellation for the 10th year in a row.

Lindsay Lohan’s atoning for…wait a minute, she didn’t do anything wrong! It’s all her dad’s fault!

Snooki’s willing to observe Yom Kippur, but is demanding a $25 appearance fee so she can buy booze afterwards.

Paris Hilton will celebrate Yom Kippur by moaning, “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…” Then claim she thought the marijuana in her prayer book was brisket.

Joan Rivers plans to turn over a new leaf, but only to criticize its appearance.

Heidi Montag will strive to become a changed person. You know, another nose job, larger breast implants, a smaller waist…

 ****

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. Lady Gaga just apologized for eating her meat dress, saying she didn’t “mean” to offend the hungry in third world countries. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.      

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

1 in 7 Americans now living in Poverty

September 16, 2010

My new headshot for the US WEEKLY Fashion Police. Don't I look great?

Hey, more good news about the economy.

According to new Census figures, 1 in 7 Americans are now living in poverty.

I’m amazed.

Only 1 in 7?!

It’s so bad, 4 of 5 dentists can no longer afford the sugarless gum they recommend to patients who chew gum.

It’s so bad, people are having garage sales…to rent out the garage to other families.

It’s so bad, many Americans are moving back in with their parents. And those parents are already living with their parents!

It’s so bad, I saw someone on the street holding a sign that said, “Will Work For IOUs.”

It’s so bad, Lady Gaga’s having her meat dress for dinner.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. For only $1,000 a day, you can help feed a hungry blogger. Won’t you help? Send in your donation now!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.      

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Rejected VMA outfits for Lady Gaga

September 14, 2010

Lady Gaga's new stylist.

Lady Gaga in a chinese takeout box.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Gaga wanted her MTV, not MSG.

Lady Gaga in a tempura dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Was afraid her hair would be fried.

Lady Gaga in a chewed gum dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: She said wearing food that’s already been chewed is gross…………

Lady Gaga in a Sizzlean dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Sizzlean is considered sacred on whatever planet she came from.

Lady Gaga in a corned beef on rye dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: She didn’t want a toothpick going through her ass.

Lady Gaga in a blinking Rubik’s Cube dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Wasn’t busy enough.

Lady Gaga swimming in a large beer bottle.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Lindsay would have drank it all.

Lady Gaga dressed as a Christmas Tree.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Faulty wiring, would have electrocuted her……………

Lady Gaga dressed as a nun.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Too predictable. (And Lindsay did it already.)

Lady Gaga dressed as a Cuckoo Clock.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Said she’d have to be totally nuts to wear that!

*****

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. Going out shortly to buy a loincloth made of Beef Jerky.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.      

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com