Archive for October, 2010

FRIDAY QUICKIE: Bomb Found on UPS Plane

October 29, 2010

Bet ya UPS is UPo'd about this.

A bomb made from a toner cartridge was found on a UPS plane in England.

– The terror alert’s been raised to UPS brown.

– Before authorities picked up the bomb, UPS made them sign for it.

– Terrorists don’t realize when they plant bombs on UPS, they end up getting 72 parcels when they die.

– The sad part: after tampering with the toner cartridge, it can now actually last a whole a three months before replacing.

 – Terrorists planted a bomb on a UPS plane cause they think UPS is the bomb!

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Hoping the authorities will go postal on the terrorist(s) who did this.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

WANTED: Guys to Have Sex with Women in Porn

October 28, 2010

Wanna have sex with her? Keep dreaming.

And now…for the Feel Good Job of The Year!

A “professional” studio’s seeking “male adult actors” to have sex with women in adult movies.

As you all know, finding men to have sex with women in porn movies is an all too common problem in the porn industry.

According to the ad, all you have to do is have a great looking face and body, a nice smile, and know how to “make passionate love to a woman.” If you have experience in “hardcore gay porn,” do not apply.

If this is you, your cock will not be turned down!

Amazing!

Thank god it’s not a scam!

Even better than this job!

Just simply fill out the online application and wait to hear back about your new career!

Yes, you get paid for getting laid!!!

Oh…but there are “a few things” not mentioned in the ad:

– You will be making love to lonely women between the ages of 65-95.

– You must take the woman out first several times, have numerous late night calls and texts about sweet nothings, and finally tell her you love her.

– You must be able to last longer than the usual 2 minutes. No exceptions.

–  During training, you will start off as a fluffer for the more seasoned “male adult actors” (this isn’t considered hardcore gay porn).

– Must be okay with getting gray pubic hairs caught in your throat after cunnilingus scenes.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. About to apply for a job I found on Craigslist to write and direct my own screenplay for top A-list actors!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Time to play the Charlie Sheen Drinking Game!

October 27, 2010
 

"I'm Charlie Sheen, and I approve this game."

For Ages 21+

2 to 4 Losers

1.) Take off your clothes. (10 points)

2.) Take 10 shots. (10 points)

3.) If you don’t feel drunk enough, take 10 more shots. (20 points)

4.) Dial ex-wife’s number and yell incoherently that she’s nothing but a fuck!ng whore. (10 points)

5.) If it takes her more than 3 minutes to hang up, give yourself 10 points. If it takes her less than 3 minutes to hang up, give yourself 20 points. 

6.) Take 5 more shots. (10 points)

7.) Call escort service to get a date for the night. (10 points)

8.) If escort looks more like Jessica Tandy than Jessica Alba, take 10 more shots. (10 points)

9.) Fly into a rage for no apparent reason. (10 points)

10.) Take 10 more shots. (10 points)

11.) Now go throw some furniture around like you’re a rock star. (10 points)

12.) Take 10 more shots. (10 points)

13.) Now reflect on what you just did. If you see how lucky you are cause you’re a rich, handsome actor with a successful TV show and all the money and hookers in the world and how nearly every guy on the planet would kill to have your life, take away 10 points. If you’re still extremely selfish and spoiled beyond reason without a fuck!ng clue, give yourself 50 points.

14.) Throw up. If you make it to the toilet, take away 10 points. If you throw up in bed and use your hardening vomit as a pillow, give yourself 100 points.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Don’t try this at home…unless you’re Charlie Sheen and know your only punishment is 2 hours of community service.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

What the stars are being for Halloween

October 25, 2010

Best part about being in the Senate is...you never have to dress up!

President Obama’s going to be a popular president.

Brett Favre’s either going to be a flasher or  streaker, he can’t decide…

Lindsay Lohan’s going to be something she hasn’t been since age 14…clean and sober.

Nancy Pelosi’s been wearing her Halloween mask since 1940.

Paris Hilton’s costume is of course…her birthday suit.

…Today, Charlie Sheen went balistic after hearing that Paris Hilton stole his costume idea.

Justin Bieber’s going as a bouncer at Laser Tag.

George Lopez is going as his lord and savior…Sandra Bullock.

Sofia Vergara’s going to get a zit on her face and go as “the ugly girl.”

Russell Brand’s going get a black eye and go as a photographer who tried to take a picture of him.

The Situation’s going to wear a shirt and go as a guy with class.

Snooki’s going to take the shirt off and go as her usual whore self.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Going to go as a TV exec so I can pull each and every moronic political ad currently running on TV.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! Lindsay’s Plea to the Judge

October 22, 2010

                              spheech for the judge

ur honer…i think u should, like, keep me in rehab instead of sending me to jail. jail’s badd and i donnt like it. im really serious about getting sober this time, i mean it. see, i thought last time i was sent to rehab, it was just for practice. so that was a mizunderstanding on my part and im sorry i mizunderstood the courts orders.

as i said to the other judge and the judge before that and the judge before that, i dont want u to think i dont respect u, u f*cking sh!thead whos ruining my life.

i cantt go to jail ur honer cause i have to make a living n stuff so my mom can keep buying brand names and i can keep buying booze. i mean mommy would like die if she had to buy clothes at Kmart or even worse – TJ Maxx – and i would like die without my booze. btw, do u like know anyone who needs an actress or an actress who thinks shes also a fashion designer? i could really use the money. otherwise, ill be forced to sell photos of my court appearance to OK!, and this time they said their not going to pay $10 a photo like last time. ok, like thanks. : )

updatte: OMG, HE BOUGHT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****

This post is probably true purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. Rolling my eyes that all the judge did was order her back to the resort rehab. She’s been ordered to stay there til Jan. 3. She’ll get out Nov. 3.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Job Lead of the Century: Live-In Editorial Assistant…For Porn

October 21, 2010

Your photo ID for the job.

Hey you guys………

An “internationally renowned media sexologist” is seeking a part-time editorial assistant to essentially write and edit about  sex.

In exchange, you’ll not only get laid paid but also get “room and board in the Institute’s fabulous spacious penthouse loft.”

Ah, the perfect job for the sex addict who also happens to be homeless!!! 

Included: your own private room with a view, maid service, bar and kitchen access, some gourmet meals and access to their erotic art gallery.

However, according to the ad, this  job “isn’t for everybody.” Some other requirements for the Live-In Sex Editorial Assistant job:

– must work and walk around naked.

– must have excellent phone skills, especially with phone sex. 

– must be comfortable getting off donkeys.

– must fill in for fluffers during current porn industry shutdown

– experience with giving tranny midgets cavity searches a plus.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. If you’re offended by the photo, sorry for being an ass. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Actual transcript: Justin Bieber’s fight at Laser Tag

October 18, 2010

REPORT: No longer a member of Boyz II Girlz?!

You may have heard that over the weekend, Justin Bieber was forced to enter boyhood by getting Bruise Mitzvahed during a game of Laser Tag.  

Here’s the actual transcript.

OTHER BOY: Hey, Justin Bieber…you’re a f*g.

JUSTIN BIEBER: Heidi-ho, neighbor. Can’t we all just get along?

OTHER BOY: No. You’re a f*g.

JUSTIN BIEBER: C’mon, how bout I buy you a root beer and some cookies?

OTHER BOY: No. You’re a f*g.

JUSTIN BIEBER: Jesus loves you.

OTHER BOY: I hate you. You’re a f*g.

JUSTIN BIEBER: Excuse me, but can you please stop calling me that, pretty please? I’m a lover, not a fighter.

OTHER BOY: Well I’m a hater, and you’re a f*g.

JUSTIB BIEBER: I…I feel like you’re forcing me into a corner.

OTHER BOY: That’s because you’re a f*g and your hair looks like a monkey’s vagina in the rainforest.

JUSTIN BIEBER: ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT. NO ONE DISSES THE HAIR. DIE, BITCH, DIE!!!

(Justin then throws his pink cosmo in the boy’s face, tries to scratch the boy’s face with his nails, and quickly skips outside to his Super Stretch Limo, where he cries hysterically after looking in the mirror and finally realizing that his hair does indeed look like a monkey’s vagina in the rainforest.)

*****

This post is purely fictional and written for entertainment purposes only. Sadly, the Justin Bieber fight with another boy at Laser Tag was not fictional. When will this nerd on nerd violence end???

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Miner 21 digs himself a hole

October 15, 2010

Ironically, he's also appeared on "Cheaters" 21 times.

Turns out Miner 21 has both a wife and mistress…

*Apparently, he’s a firm supporter of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

*Sadly, he also thought the slogan was, “What Happens In Chile, Stays in Chile.”

*Known for being a womanizer, the other miners called him Miner 69.

*He tried to explain everything to his wife, but all he got was a Chile reception.

*He told the other miners why he was with the mistress. He said, “I dig her.”

*His pick-up line on the mistress: “My escape capsule or yours?”

*He still wears sunglasses, but only so his wife won’t see his roving eye.

*…and everyone else won’t see the bruises caused his wife’s frying pan.

*As a final punishment, his wife’s going to make him watch the extremely boring coverage from start to finish.

* Then she’s going to run him over with her Mercedes.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. On my way out to buy “Chile Miner Rescue: The Complete First Season.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! First words by rescued Chilean miners

October 13, 2010

The All-New 2011 Escape Capsule

“Hey!!! What are all you guys doing here???”

“There are 21 miners left down there, and 12 Octomom kids.”

“That rescue capsule’s amazing…it’s got GPS and a DVD player!”

“I Wear My Sunglasses at Night”

“Thank God…no more coal slaw for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

“Man where’s the bathroom? I’ve been holding it in for 69 days.”

“On the way up, I stopped off at the gift shop and got everyone souvenirs.”

“If I hear one more Chile con carne joke…”

“While trapped down there, I called Geico and saved 15% on auto insurance.”

“Uh, there’s a guy down there, 6’4″ with a turban and long beard. Might be bin Laden.”

“Have you guys really been watching hours of all that boring TV coverage?”

“Don’t tell my wife or mistress, but I had unlawful sex with a miner.”

****

This post is purely fictional and written for entertainment purposes only. Sadly, people still didn’t watch CNN despite their non-stop coverage.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Don’t Try This Cover Letter At Home

October 11, 2010

LA18's new Entertainment Producer! Mazel tov!

BREAKING NEWS: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND HAVE TO SAY IT…I’M OPENLY STRAIGHT!!!

In case you wanted to ask, I wanted to tell.

Now, back to our regular programming…

Since I’m white, it made perfect sense to apply for the position of Entertainment Producer at LA18, the premier Asian-language TV station in the US.

Basically, here’s what they’re looking for: 

– Someone to cover entertainment news for Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and Filipino programs.

– Someone to manage freelance camera crews to cover various daily news events.

– Someone with TV producing skills. Fluency in Asian languages also a plus.

Here’s my actual cover letter:

Dear LA18,

Konichiwa!

Contrary to my opening, I actually don’t know any Asian languages…but I’m dating a girl who’s half Asian…does that count?

I do have experience putting together entertainment pieces for radio, but not TV. I guess I could manage freelance TV crews to cover events…but wait, are the TV crews Asian? I’ll drive.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any TV news producing skills to show…but  my dong is long…and it’s probably bigger than any of the Asian males on your staff!

Not sure what they pay for a job like this at an Asian station…but if it’s a lot, I’ll definitely say, “Yello” to that!

Forgive me…I’m not exactly as smart as your typical 4.0 Asian student. I’m more like an inbred Asian kid from Kentucky.

And I don’t really have any relevant references for this job, but my half Asian girlfriend would tell you that I’m like a really good fortune cookie…in bed! 

Look forward to hearing from you!

Wax on, wax off,

Daniel Son-of-a-bitch

ps – Gotta brush up now on LA18 since the only time I watch is when I see it for a split second while channel surfing. Actually, don’t you guys have like an Asian Larry King on LA18…Chun King?!

pps –  Just wondering….any Vets apply for this job?

****

This post is purely fictional and written for entertainment purposes only. Special thanks to Rick Sanchez for his help with being highly offensive to specific groups. Applying now for the job of electrician at The Amish Channel.  

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com