Archive for January, 2011

BARELY BREAKING NEWS: Another teacher caught having sex with a student

January 31, 2011

POLL: 100% of boys would repeat the same grade for her.

In a story that will probably shock no one, a 31-year-old female teacher was caught having sex in her car with a 16-year-old male student.

Apparently, they’re now combining Drivers Ed with Sex Ed.

The arrested teacher was also an “instructional coach” who taught teachers how to keep a professional distance with students.

Now if there was only some irony in this…

Here’s my question:

Why are there so many female teachers having sex with underage students?

Oh, I just love how sexually inexperienced he is…and I love stroking my hands through his three chest hairs.”

Here’s another question:

Why didn’t anything like this happen to me  in Jr. High???

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Gonna download that hot new song already taking over the Middle East, “Fight Like An Egyptian.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

WANTED: Comics With Benefits

January 28, 2011

"So what's the deal with these curtains? Why aren't they bricks?"

Are you a standup?

Are you ready to be SPOILED ROTTEN???

A comedy club in Morro Bay, CA (wherever the hell that is) is looking for a stand up on the weekends.

Not only will you get an open spot, the club will also:

1.) Pay you (yes, even if you’re an amateur!).

2.) Provide FREE food…BBQ chicken and ribs…”the best around!”

3.) FREE Lodging! (but probably not the Four Seasons Morro Bay)

4.) FREE gas money!

and…

5.) FREE alcohol in the green room!

Yes, it all does sound too good to be true!!!

Now if the comedy club also promised:

1.) FREE drunk, loud people in the audience who’ll laugh at anything.

2.) Hookers.

3.) Seth Rogen as the warm up act.

4.) Jay Leno to come backstage afterwards and say, “You know…I could use a 34th writer on my staff.”

5.) Conan to come backstage afterwards and say, “You know…how’d you like to replace that idiot Andy Richter?”

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. I’m here all week.  Don’t forget to fantasize about your waitress.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Miss Teen Arkansas Arrested For Being Drunk, like, :(

January 27, 2011

Miss Teen Arkansas, during better days...really better days!!!

You just hate to hear stories like this because they’re so rare.

…a beauty pageant contestant behaving badly.

Ex-Miss Teen Arkansas What’s-Her-Face (aka Who Cares What Her Actual Name Is), was arrested last weekend for public intoxication.

The former Miss Teen Arkansas (who thinks that Arkansas is pronounced Ar-kansas) even called the Miss Teen organization to apologize if she “brought any shame to her state.”

She did manage to get a half tear out of her eye, thanks to Jessica Simpson’s new acting DVD, “How To Act Like a Real Lesbian Thespian.”

Not to worry, Miss Arkansas. Your career is sure to bounce back in the way of an offer to be a Bud Girl at Albertsons or one of the chicks in the next Girls Gone Wild DVD.

Or, if you’re really lucky, Charlie Sheen will make you his next whore.

When you’re old enough.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Going to Vegas to place my bet when the next beauty pageant contestant gets arrested for …damn just happened 2 minutes ago.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Woman Finds Maggot in Bucket of KFC

January 26, 2011

You want flies with that?

A California woman’s claiming she found a maggot in her bucket of KFC and it made her whole family sick.

– But the good news…they all managed to throw up in the bucket.

– To be fair, the maggot was the most nutritious part of the chicken.

– Apparently, the family misunderstood when asked at the drive thru, “Regular or extra moldy?”

– KFC’s changed their slogan to “Finger Ickin Good.”

– …Or maybe the slogan’s now, “We Do Chicken Wrong!”

– Not to be outdone, today McDonalds unveiled their new menu item: Chicken McMaggots.

– The woman who claimed there was a finger in her bowl of Wendy’s Chili’s going, “Was it at least finger licking good?'”

– Well, that’s one secret herb and spice down, 10 more to go!

BREAKING NEWS: Now there’s a woman claiming she found real meat in her Taco Bell.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. It’s Hump Day! Go hump someone. Or just hump yourself.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Typical Job Ad in 2011

January 25, 2011

XYZ Corporation, a Fortune 500 company and nominated for 10 awards at the National Trade Show of America as well as named “Power Player” by Power Player Magazine and the number one softball team in our Fortune 500-Westside league, has an opening. We’re looking for a self-starter who’s also  a well-organized team player with a proven track record who also works well with others who’s also proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, Powerpoint, Office, Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Quark, Quark Express, Quark Express 2.0, Quark Advanced 2.1 and knows all 40 million digits of Pi. Job starts part-time, with the possibility of full-time down the road. No, not really…we’re too cheap and commitment-phobic to do that but figured we’d put your hopes up anyway.

TO APPLY AND BE CONSIDERED FOR THIS JOB:

– Send a cover letter and resume.

– Tell us why you’re the perfect candidate for this job. Please keep it to 10,000-10,050 words, but no less than 10,001.

– Go to our website, xyzcorporation.com, and tell us three things you like about our company.

– Now tell us three things you don’t like about our company.

– Now go back and tell us five more things you like about our company.

– Now tape yourself jumping up and down 10 times yelling “I wanna be hired at XYZ!!!” and post it on YouTube.

– Devise a plan to expose XYZ to more clients for 2011, please focus the most on Q4.

– Now take these packages and drop them off at Fed-Ex. And then get us all coffee at Starbucks.

– Hey, we don’t even need to hire you at all. Your work is done. Thanks!

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Gonna brush up on my skill sets now, like dropping off packages at Fed-Ex and getting coffee for everyone at Starbucks.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

“Friendly” Reminder

January 24, 2011

"Hi-dee ho, neighbor! Can I borrow some lint?"

I noticed a note posted by an anonymous neighbor in my apartment laundry room. It said, “Please clean the lint screen after doing your laundry. Don’t leave it for the next person to use it!”

I added some things to the note:

“Also, please keep your voices down in the laundry room with the door closed, as sound travels.”

“And please get your laundry quickly after it’s done, as there are other people waiting to use the machines.”

“And if you live right below me and smoke and know it bothers me, please don’t be an idiot and continue to smoke on your patio.”

“And please don’t have a dog known for attacking people like a pit bull living with you in a tiny apartment on the same floor as me.”

“And please don’t move. It makes noise.”

“In fact, please don’t exist at all.”

“Thank you.”

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Being forced to listen now to my idiot neighbor’s girlfriend talking loudly on the phone on their balcony. Had no idea their phone was a megaphone.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! Other Things That Happened To The Woman Who Fell In The Fountain While Texting

January 21, 2011

Star of the new movie "Just My Luck 2"

Fell down a book drop as a result of reading while walking to the library.

Walked into a wall as a result of reading while walking on a treadmill without pressing start first.

Fell off a building as a result of texting while climbing the corporate ladder.

Ran over the grandma who got run over by a reindeer as a result of reading Christmas shopping list while driving.

Slid down a bowling alley with ball still in hand as a result of watching the score monitor while bowling. She knocked over one pin.

Got dumped by boyfriend via text for texting while sexting.

Bumped into boyfriend days later. No really, she literally bumped into her boyfriend… 

Lost her dignity as a result of being stupid under the influence.

Got haircut like a dike as a result of running with scissors.

*****

The post is purely fictional and written for entertainment purposes only. Planning to get a snapshot next to this woman in the fountain tomorrow while wearing a t-shirt that says, “I’m With Stupid.” Check back Monday.

See me in the back of the new US WEEKLY!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Woman Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting, Now May Sue

January 20, 2011

What the new mall fountain will look like to prevent texting while walking.

It’s the viral video of the week. The woman at the mall who was too busy texting to realize there was fountain right in front of her and ‘splash!’

49-year-old Cathy Cruz Marrero told Good Morning America she was “so embarrassed,” she hoped no one saw her and just walked away.

People saw her.

Her fall’s become a hit on YouTube and now she may sue whoever leaked the surveillance tape because it’s humiliated her.

In fact she was so “humiliated,” she went on a national TV show like Good Morning America to talk about it even more.

I’m sorry, but if you’re texting and too distracted to not realize there’s a huge mall fountain in front of you, you deserve to be humiliated on YouTube for the whole world to see.

Idiot.

And for God’s sake…don’t text and chew gum at the same time.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. About to go running with scissors.

See me in the back of the new US WEEKLY!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT: Regis Philbin Retirement Annoucement

January 19, 2011
 
 

I'm Audi 5000. Final answer.

As you all know, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been doing this show ‘Live!’ long before Adam and Eve were born. Since then, I’ve not only hosted this show but also filled in for every talk show host known to mankind: I even filled in for myself when I got that hip replacement surgery, remember? Remember? I still don’t know why I’m not in the Guinness Book of World Records for that, but that’s beside the point. Today, I’m announcing my retirement from hosting this show. And no, not just because the gold watch they were planning to give me was a sundial that’s now in the Smithsonian. No, I’m retiring because Brett Favre’s officially retiring and I’ve gotta replace him, I’ve gotta! Oh, and Steve Jobs over at Apple needs a replacement, so I’ll be ‘rebooted’ over at Apple as well…after my appointment with the installer from Life Alert.

Isn’t it amazing that all this time, I never made one pass at my hot co-host?

Not Kelly, Kathy Lee.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Gonna fix my printer now, which has plenty of black ink left but isn’t printing black ink at all. Anyone have a hammer?

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

WANTED: Raging Bitch

January 18, 2011

Bitchy enough, but recently arrested by the Unfunny Police.

Hey, are you a total bitch?

You know, the type that, “makes other girls jealous, starts drama for your own amusement, and craves tons of attention from guys?”

Well, this could be the perfect job for you!

A reality show is currently seeking a hot mess in the LA area to be a loud mouthed receptionist.

By the way, this is NOT an acting job. They’re looking for REAL bitch!

Too bad those are hard to find in LA!

Actually, this sounds like the perfect next job for Lindsay Lohan!

Oh, wait…

They want someone between 18-23.

Lindsay’s now 47.

Never mind.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Still trying to figure out who Ricky Gervais was referring to in that homosexual/Scientology joke. … ???

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com