Late Night Fail

Don't forget to watch my show, "Canceled."

You know the problem with late night talk shows?

That’s right, there are WAY too many of them.

I mean really, do we need 13 talk shows making the same played out jokes about Tiger Woods being horny, BP being greedy, and Al Gore being extremely horny?

I was especially amused by Craig Kilborn’s return to the late night ring.

He’s got a new show called, “The Kilborn File.” (See, get it? “The Kilborn File?” “The X-Files?”)

Nice outdated play on words, BTW. What, was “Craigfeld” taken?

The show only has a six-week trial this summer on Fox. That’s how much confidence they have in the show.

So, Kilborn’s been gone from late night for years. He decides to give it another shot – after his career already died. And this is what happens.

Plus, if your new show’s not even being mentioned on this site, well, forget it.

Nice knowin ya, Craig.

Wanda Sykes also thought she could do a late night talk show.

Did you watch?

Of course not.

It looked like a cheesy infomercial, but with even worse writing.

And acting.

Now, look, I’m not trashing Craig and Wanda because they both passed on me as a writer.

Of course not.

My point is…there are too many damn talk shows out there, and it’s time to start getting innovative if these shows want to captivate an audience.

Coming out like a schmuck in a tie and a suit, doing a stale monologue, then a bit or two, then an interview just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Not in this day and age of Twitter, YouTube, and Snuggies.

So, what should late night TV do to inject freshness into the arena?

Pay me $250,000 a year, and I’ll let you know.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Any bitterness about not being on staff is purely coincidental.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

So You Think You Can Write For Late Night 2

So hopefully by now, you’ve managed to score a freelance gig writing for late night.

I have some more guidelines for you that’ll be very helpful.

First off…don’t spend too much of your time writing jokes.

Seriously.

Spend only an hour at a time writing jokes.

Otherwise, you’ll go crazy writing joke after joke.

And the chances of getting a joke on late night TV as a freelance writer is less than 1%.

That’s right, less than 1%.

You’re competing against other freelancers.

And the show’s TV staff.

And it’s tough.

I remember when I’d write jokes like crazy for Leno.

I would sometimes spend the entire weekend writing jokes.

I would write – like – 15 pages of jokes.

15 pages!!!

And still get NOTHING on Monday night.

Just stick to the hour rule, and you’ll be okay.

Come to think of it, maybe you shouldn’t freelance jokes at all.

Too much competition and very little chance of getting your jokes on.

Tell you what…just let me handle the jokes.

Hey, you’re welcome.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! Conan’s New Contract with TBS

CONTRACT AGREEMENT

This AGREEMENT for Future Employment is made between CONAN O’BRIEN and TBS.  Conan and TBS agree to the following terms:

1.)  Payment:  TBS shall pay Conan the potential sum of $10 million to own his own show that shall command less than 2 million viewers but no more than 2.6 million viewers. In exchange, Conan must agree to not only upstage GEORGE LOPEZ (aka THE THIRD WHEEL), but make Lopez regret endorsing Coco’s move to TBS upon realizing that Coco’s lead in STILL doesn’t help Lopez’s low numbers.

2.) Exit Plan 1: After Lopez’s numbers fail to improve at midnight, Coco takes over the midnight show, which will aptly be renamed “The Midnight Show with Conan O’Brien.” The 11pm hour will go back to…uh whatever the hell TBS was airing prior to Conan’s show.

3.) Exit Plan 2: Upon TBS’s realization that bringing in Coco would not bring in big numbers at all, Conan agrees to exit network with another $33.5 milion severance. “The Insider” will then move forward with a full expose about how this was Coco’s plan after all…to make millions of dollars in severance agreements, not by hosting late night talk shows. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

UNDERSTOOD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND AGREED.

____________________________   (sign here)

Conan O’Brien

_____________________________ (sign here)

T…bs

*****

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

So You Think You Can Write For Late Night?

Have you always dreamed of being on Leno or Letterman’s writing staff?

Do your parents tell you all the time you’re really funny?

Do you wanna be paid millions of dollars to write for late night?

Well, today’s your lucky day…I’m going to tell you HOW TO WRITE FOR LATE NIGHT.

First, the GOOD NEWS: It’s easy to break into late night as a freelance writer.

Now the BAD NEWS:  You’re never going to work in late night as a staff writer.

Call it tough love, but it’s the awful truth.

Here’s the deal:

– There are about 100 staff writing jobs in late nite.

– There are 1000s who want to write for late nite.

– People rarely leave their late nite writing jobs.

So here’s how you can turn your talent into a little side career…

1.) Look around at the day’s top stories and write 10 jokes.

2.) Send them in to the shows’ head writers & tell them you wanna write for late night.

If you’re good, and the show takes freelance writers, you’ll hear back from them.

They’ll make you sign a release form.

Now you’re set to fax jokes or email jokes into your favorite show and get paid $75-$100 for each joke they use.

…but you’re not alone. Many aspiring comedy writers do this.

Leno previously used hundreds and thousands of freelance writers to help him out with his monologue jokes for “The Tonight Show.”

I’ve been freelancing for Leno for over 10 years.

I’ve gotten lots of jokes on.

Hundreds.

And I’ve never been asked to join his staff.

I know a guy who also freelances for Leno for about the same amount of time.

He’s gotten TRIPLE the amount of jokes as me.

TRIPLE!!!

And he’s STILL not on staff, either.

Don’t expect to be asked to join Leno or Letterman’s writing staff.

It won’t happen.

Ever.

Well okay, it could happen.

And the day it happens, Megan Fox will also hit on you.

*****

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

MORE Famous Work Quotes

Every person born into this world their work is born with them. But enough about kids in Chinese sweatshops. – Mark Twain

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason so few engage in it. Ouch… – Henry Ford

Every calling is great when greatly pursued. Yeah, even I don’t know what the hell that means. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

The more one works, the more willing one is to work. His name’s Jay Leno. – Lord Chesterfield

Every man is the son of his own works. It’s called masturbation. – Miguel de Cervantes

Work is victory, unless your work is playing for the Detroit Lions. –  Ralph Waldo Emerson

A shoe that is too large is apt to trip one, and when too small, to pinch the feet. But if you have a foot fetish, it doesn’t matter. – Horace

I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. – Paris Hilton

Work is not a curse, but working for Toyota public relations is! – Henry Ward Beecher

If at first you don’t succeed, go to Fox. – Conan O’Brien

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only. You can find the actual work quotes and many more quotes here. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Whatever the hell happened to…

Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com.

Seriously…

What happened to them?

They used to be the big bad motherf@#$ers of job sites.

I mean, they’re still around…

But they don’t seem as relevant as they used to be.

Remember when Monster and Careerbuilder were like the McDonalds and Starbucks of job sites?

Now they’re more like the Matt Drudge and Napster of job sites. 

When I was looking for work years ago, I knew I could ALWAYS rely on both sites for endless lists of TOP NOTCH jobs.

Now it seems other sites like Conan’s favorite have taken over and left the big guys with slim pickens.

Like a seedy bar five minutes before closing time.

Here’s what comes up – seriously – when I do a basic search for a WRITER job in Los Angeles on Careerbuilder:

Epic Reports Writer (Company 1)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

Writer/Photographer (Company 2)

That’s right…EIGHT POSTINGS on Careerbuilder for a Writer/Photographer for the SAME COMPANY.

Speaking of which…

You know another name for a Writer/Photographer?

Unemployed.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! Conan’s Severance Agreement

                             SEVERANCE AGREEMENT

THIS SEVERANCE AGREEMENT AND RELEASE (hereinafter “Forced Compromise”) is made between Conan O’Brien (hereinafter “SCORNED EMPLOYEE”) and NBC (“BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION”).  SCORNED EMPLOYEE and BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION hereby reluctantly agree to the following terms:

1.)  Severance Payment:  BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall pay SCORNED EMPLOYEE the potential sum of $33 million to let the door his ass on the way out. In exchange, SCORNED EMPLOYEE must agree to find a better deal from SMALLER OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION so BIGGER OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION won’t have to pay a dime. SCORNED EMPLOYEE also agrees to a “sitting out period” of 4 years (8 months in dog years)  8 months before going back on the air. SCORNED EMPLOYEE may compete against old/new “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno, but only during NBC’s encore telecast of “The Tonight Show” at 2:05am not any earlier than September 2010.

2.) Release of Claims: SCORNED EMPLOYEE and BIG COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall discharge one another from any blame (starting now, the last two weeks didn’t count) by releasing phony statements to accompany official announcement of SCORNED EMPLOYEE’S exit. SCORNED EMPLOYEE shall release statement such as, “For 17 years, NBC gave me the opportunity to be at the forefront of late night television. It is with great sadness that our relationship has come to an end. They can go to hell. I wish them well.” In exchange, BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall release similar phony statement such as, “Conan O’Brien is a truly innovative entertainer who can leap tall buildings in a single bound, bring peace to the Middle East, and walk on water. We are elated sad to see Conan go, and he can go to hell we wish him well.”

3.) Division of Assets: Since BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION has better lawyers than SCORNED EMPLOYEE, BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION shall retain such SCORNED EMPLOYEE signature characters like TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG and THE MASTURBATING BEAR. BIG OIL COMPANY OF TELEVISION acknowledges that no one can make either character come alive like SCORNED EMPLOYEE, but will keep them anyway just to piss off SCORNED EMPLOYEE.

UNDERSTOOD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND AGREED.

____________________________   (sign here)

Conan O’Brien

_  (sign here)

NBC

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Learn from Conan’s mistakes

There’s a great article that just hit AOL about  how to negotiate a better contract than The Ginger Man.

Basically, it says you should get everything in writing, review non-compete clauses carefully, and make sure what’s obvious is obvious.

Like the hours you work. Otherwise, your company may end up making you report to work at 12:05am.

Uh, no thanks.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Famous Work Quotes

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life…especially if NBC pays you off to leave. – Confucius

No work, no money. No money, no honeys. – Tiger Woods

A champion of the working man has never yet been known to die of overwork…but then again, Jay Leno was rushed to the hospital. – Robert Frost

Thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work…and it must be lightning that affects T-Mobile customers. – Mark Twain

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die…shouldn’t Joan Rivers be dead by now? – Eleanor Roosevelt

Work is a refuge of people who have nothing better to do…except for K-Fed. – Oscar Wilde

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man from a rich family who’s the happier man. – Benjamin Franklin. 

Want is the mother of industry. Want but can’t have is a real motherf@#$%r.  – Proverb

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get replaced by a guy in India twelve hours away. – Robert Frost

Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves…oh, who am I fooling. – Dale Carnegie

A man grows most tired while standing still…which is why they never made vertical La-Z-Boys. – Chinese proverb

Every calling is great when greatly pursued…unless it’s a guy asking a girl for a date on his cell phone while going through a tunnel. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I’d kill to be at a normal 9-5 right now. – OJ Simpson

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only. You can find the actual work quotes and many more here. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com