Archive for February, 2011

Man Guilty of Ejaculating into Co-worker’s Water Bottle

February 28, 2011

What would have happened if she dunked her water bottle after a run.

Remember this story?

A  male employee was arrested for allegedly ejaculating his sperm into a sexy female co-worker’s water bottle on two seperate occasions. She drank it both times and got sick.

Professional idiot Kevin Lallana confessed that he did it because “he felt that was as close as he could get to her” and by ejaculating into her water bottle “her lips would have touched” his sperm.

Imagine if he actually said something creepy!

The first time the female co-worker drank the bottle she got sick and threw it away.

The second time it happened, she sent the water bottle to a lab.

That’s when Lallana got himself into a “sticky” situation.

And, there are more problems now.

Turns out the female co-worker’s mouth is now pregnant with Lallana’s child.

That’s a lot to take in.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Wondering now what the inside of the female co-worker’s mouth looks like under a black light. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

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Translating Charlie Sheen

February 25, 2011

Here's Charlie Sheen, spotted earlier today. He's clearly nuts!

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second. I’m not perfect, and bitching and just delivering the goods at every [expletive] turn. Because look what I’m dealing with, man – I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is your brain on drugs. Leave it to trained unprofessionals like me.”

“There’s no reason to then bring them back into the fold because I have real fame – they have nothing. They have zero. They have that night. And I will forget about them as the last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will get out there and they will sell me and they will lose.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is what happens when someone fucks your brains out one too many times.”

“I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process. I’ve spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don’t know, effortlessly and magically converted your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”

TRANSLATION: “Even I have no idea what  the hell I’m talking about.”

“I’ve got magic, I’ve got poetry at my fingerprints. Why give an interview when you can leave a warning. I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is more than a cry for help. It’s a hysterical sob for help.”

“I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

TRANSLATION: “I’m about to shave my head and hit someone with an umbrella, preferably Lindsay.”

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Actually, what Charlie Sheen says makes perfect sense. Just ask Moammar Gadaffi.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Rejection Letters

February 24, 2011

TMI.

I got one the other day.

I applied to a company, had an initial phone interview, and then never heard from them again.

A month later, I got a rejection letter from them, basically saying, “Thank you for your interest in our company. We regret to inform you that we’ve decided to go with another candidate.”

DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, really?!?

When I tell people about this, most say, “Well, at least they were nice enough to let you know.”

Well yeah…but I already knew.

Look, if a company’s interested in you, they’re not going to keep you hanging for more than a week.

They’ll let you know.

They’ll get in touch.

They’ll keep you updated.

If not…

They’re Just Not That Into You.

Do we really need rejection letters to state the obvious?

Yeah, as much as we need Ricky Martin to announce that he’s gay.

…Or a poll that LA has the worst traffic.

…Or A-Rod admitting he took steroids.

BTW, I also heard somewhere that junk food isn’t good for you.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.  Going to write to that company now and give them a counter-rejection letter.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Gas prices are getting so bad…

February 23, 2011

Over 50 Billion Screwed.

– Lindsay Lohan and her prosecutor carpooled together to today’s court hearing.

– Today in Beverly Hills, unleaded’s now $4.01 and 10/10.

– Instead of saying “Welcome to Shell,” they’re just saying, “Bend over.”

– Charlie Sheen’s now getting screwed at the gas station.

– (In fact, it’s now costing Charlie $100,000 for full service.)

– Instead of Unleaded, Premium, and Diesel, it’s Tall, Grande, and Venti.

– In addition to paying at the pump, everyone’s now praying at the pump.

– Taco Bell may not have real meat, but at least they have free gas.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS: If gas prices get any higher, Lindsay won’t be able to afford gas to drive.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Going out now to buy something a lot less expensive than gas, like Starbucks Coffee.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

What I Did On President’s Day

February 22, 2011

Always with Stupid.

I thought of the President of the Hair Club for Men.

I thought of Barack Obama and did nothing for the country.

I thought of Abe Lincoln and went to the theater. Luckily, I didn’t get shot.

I saw “The King’s Speech” at the theater and thought of George W. Bush.

I didn’t think of George Washington. I cannot tell a lie.

I thought of Bill Clinton and, well, still can’t believe he got Lewinskied while talking to a Congressman on the phone. That’s gross.

I thought of Clinton’s VP Al Gore, yawned, and fell asleep.

I thought of 2012. And realized if Sarah Palin becomes President, there will definitely be a sequel to “The King’s Speech.”

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Just thought if Lindsay Lohan was President, we’d have to say, “All hail to the thief!”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

BREAKING NEWS: TMZ Looking For Tour Guides!

February 18, 2011

"...and to our left is the very tree that Lindsay hit about 2 hours ago."

TMZ, yes the gossip site, is getting into the tour guide business.

That’s right, now you can look like a total idiot being driven around Hollywood in an open bus by TMZ!

They’ve partnered with Starline Tours for a “revolutionary new experience aboard a custom-fitted bus” and they’re seeking tour guides that have “the gift of gab.”

They also want tour guides who know the difference between Minka Kelly from Mila Kunis (well, there goes my chance) and Mark Salling from The Situation.

Hey, I know the difference!

Mark Salling will still be around in a year.

Other requirements for the TMZ tour job:

– Must know where exactly to point out Lindsay’s enablers.

– Must know paparazzi broken English fluently.

– Must be able to get one of Charlie Sheen’s whores aboard the bus and strip.

– Must claim to have the exclusive on Lindsay’s next arrest, even though you  have no idea what you’re talking about and it totally contradicts what RadarOnline, People, and US are reporting.

– Must be able to explain to tourists why people would actually want to watch live video of Harvey and his employee what-his-face make commentary on TMZ.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. THIS JUST IN: OK! magazine now getting into the dry cleaning business!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Turns 30!

February 17, 2011

"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to."

…The exact same number as her IQ!

…Doesn’t it seem just like yesterday when Paris was naked and making undistinguishable sounds?

….Today, Paris said that 30 is the new 13. Then she said, “Wait a minute, wasn’t that, like, a movie?”

….Paris said loves birthdays cause she gets to wear her favorite outfit: her birthday suit.

….For a gift, someone finally gave Paris her own purse with cocaine in it.

….She also got a new little dog to misplace.

….And a $250,000 sports car to crash.

….One awkward moment at Paris’ party, when Lindsay Lohan showed up unexpectedly and stole the show.

….For those of you not old enough, Paris Hilton is best known for becoming a celebrity without actually having a job.

Long before the Kardashians.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. In honor of Paris’ birthday, I’ll put a candle on her CD and light it. Actually, I’ll use a blow torch and just take my chances.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Top 10 Reasons Lindsay Punk’d David Letterman

February 16, 2011

"I feel crazy, oh so crazy!"

10. Pissed about his Top 10 list: Signs That Lindsay’s Out of Control. Imagine that…a late night host…making fun of a troubled celebrity in the news…

9. Bored while waiting for her new iPhone/ankle bracelet to come in the mail.

8. It was all “a misunderstanding.”

7. Thought it’d be funny to hear “Lindsay on Letterman” since she has daddy issues.

6. No #6. Passed out after drinking with Lindsay.

5. Was tired of being punk’d by being told, “You’re a wonderful actress!”

4. She felt like an LUI…lying under the influence.

3. Needed the press.

2. She’s more of a Chelsea Lately fan. No, really, she’s more of a Chelsea fan……………. 

1. She felt like stealing the show.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Hey, Lindsay: David Letterman called. He said, “Bend that tight little ass over, bitch.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

IDIOTS OF THE WEEK: Family Sues Disney Over Burning Nacho Cheese

February 15, 2011

If you see any nachos trying to burn children, contact security.

So much for the Happiest Place on Earth.

A family is suing Disney World after their son was eating Nachos for dinner and got burned by the nacho cheese when the cheese spilled on his face.

They say Disney’s at fault for “making no effort” to regulate the temperature of its nacho cheese.

…Because nacho cheese is supposed to be served at room temperature.

You know, maybe it’s not the temperature of the nachos that’s the problem…

Maybe it’s the fat ass kid’s fault for stuffing his face too fast. 

I’m not so sure either the family’s being genuine with their lawsuit.

They’re also suing the milk industry after their kid cried over spilled milk.

Unfortunately, E*Trade called the kid “a milkaholic” and settled with the family for $100 million.

Bastards.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Thinking now of suing Popsicle after having one and getting brain freeze.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Rejected Grammy Entrances for Lady Gaga

February 14, 2011

It's Dork from Ork!

– Lady Gaga walking in on fire.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Not busy enough.

Lady Gaga flying in on a magic carpet.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Her three wishes to become rich, famous, and extremely weird were already granted.

Lady Gaga wearing a Taco Bell meat dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Taco Bell thought her latest CD had too much filler.

Lady Gaga wearing Lindsay’s stolen necklace.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Gaga didn’t want any “misunderstandings” that she actually associates with loser kleptomaniacs…only with people who are completely nuts. Wait a minute…

Lady Gaga in a wheelchair.

REJECTED BECAUSE: The public already thinks her schtick’s getting old.

Lady Gaga wearing uniform from Hot Dog on a Stick.

REJECTED BECAUSE: She’s not into wieners (except for her gay fans). 

Lady Gaga flying in as Cupid.

REJECTED BECAUSE: They don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day on whatever planet she came from.

Lady Gaga dressed as Christina Aguilera.

REJECTED BECAUSE: She only looks like a mess, doesn’t sing like one.

Lady Gaga crawling in like a baby.

REJECTED BECAUSE:  Already did it for New Years.

Lady Gaga dressed as a transvestite from outer space.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Didn’t want to go as herself.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. And the big winner of the Grammys goes to…ME!…for not being sucked in to watching 3 hours of total crap.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  
Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com