Archive for July, 2010

Ellen DeGeneres Creates A Job Opening At “American Idol”

July 30, 2010

Now available as a judge at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Job seekers: get your resume together.

Ellen DeGeneres announced she is leaving “American Idol” after one season.

That means there are actually now two spots open for judges: her seat and Simon Cowell’s.

Here’s what I think “American Idol” should do.

Give one of the seats, as reported, to someone who truly knows quality music: Jessica Simpson………………….

As for the other seat, AI should turn the whole thing into a contest for the public…a sweepstakes called “Become The Next Judge on ‘American Idol.'”

That’s right, they pick one of us to become an ‘American Idol’ judge!

Can you imagine?

In fact, the whole scheme could be spun into a brand new reality show. And then that show can be spun into a whole new reality show, etc. 

This way, “American Idol” can just keep going forever, even though the show’s been dead for two years.

Or…they could just hire another lesbian who doesn’t know a thing about music.

Lindsay?!…

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Holding tryouts tomorrow to replace me on “Unemployed Idol.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

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If a job’s lousy, just give it a cool-sounding name!

July 29, 2010

Hey, look...Sausage Chefs.

 

I’ve noticed something about finding work

Some companies are now creating “cutesy job titles” to help attract more candidates. 

Like here’s one: “Live” Infomercial/Crowd Entertainer

You know what’s actually for? 

Store demonstrator. 

You know, the people who hand out little weenies on sticks… 

Well, okay, that specific job actually has a little more responsibility, but you know what I mean. 

Here are some other “cool-sounding” names for those less-desirable jobs. 

OLD: Trash Collector 

NEW: Antiques Specialist 

OLD: McDonald’s cashier 

NEW: Quick Change Teller 

OLD: Gardener 

NEW: Hairstylist to the Environmentalists 

OLD: Receptionist 

NEW: Company Air Personality 

OLD: Telemarketer 

NEW: Still an idiot 

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to spearhead a campaign to have the title Blogger changed to Internet News Writer. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Louisiana: The K-Fed State

July 28, 2010

The new official seal of Louisiana.

Congratulations – I guess – to the state of Louisiana.

A new Bloomberg poll crowned Louisiana “the laziest state” in the US.

They said the average person in Louisiana sleeps almost nine hours a night and watches over 3 hours of TV a day.

What are they putting in the weed over there?

The remaining top five laziest states were also in the south: Mississippi, Arkansas, North Carolina and Tennessee.

Apparently, people are getting so lazy in the south, they don’t have the energy to inbreed.

Actually, I’m surprised California, more specifically L.A.,  didn’t even make the top 20. After all, we’re too lazy to speak English and get a professional football team.

Adios!!!

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Too lazy today to come up with a witty tag.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

What I’d Rather Be Doing Now Than Look For Work

July 27, 2010

Me...on a good day.

Lie naked on a bed of nails…the other way.

Defend Lindsay in court.

Eat a bowl of hairballs from my two cats.

Go to sleep with blaring stereos of Mel Gibson and vuvuzelas.

Go back to my last job.

Watch “The Kilborn File.”

Pick a fight with the 18th Street Gang.

Receive a full face transplant…from donor Joan Rivers.

Watch video of Lindsay and Sam’s conjugal visit.

All the above…at once.

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. If pain from reading Willblogforlols lasts longer than four hours, it’s normal.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

YouTube takes useless blogs to a whole new level

July 26, 2010

Look what what's-her-face started.

It’s bad enough there are millions of blogs full of people talking about themselves.

On Saturday, YouTube took self-importance to a whole new level with Life In A Day, a “historic global experiment” to allow people to take out their cams and shoot their life for a whole day.

Please, contain your excitement.

Anyhoo, the winner gets their footage turned into a documentary film, directed by Kevin Macdonald and executive produced by the mighty powerful Ridley Scott.

Wouldn’t you pay $14 to see a film about a complete stranger’s life in a day?

You know what happened on Saturday, right?

Millions of morons people scrambled to shoot their “exciting day” of waking up, making breakfast, going to the mall and movies, and then out to dinner.

If you did that, don’t worry, you still lost.

The winner of course will be the mom with 8 kids who gets them all to soccer and ballet before 9am, then sails alone halfway across the globe to clean up BP’s mess.

Mr. Environment, of course, was too busy shooting his next documentary, “An Inconvenient Tryst.”

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Looking forward to entering YouTube’s next contest, “Sleep In An Evening.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

My Dream Jobs List

July 23, 2010

So desperate for work, I actually bought a paper.

First white chef at Benihana.

Lindsay Lohan’s bail bondsman.

Oprah.

The person who invented Facebook.

Bristol Palin’s divorce lawyer.

The person who invented water.

Owner of HereAreYourWinningLotteryTickets.com

The person who comes out with the answer to the iPhone.

The guy rich enough to buy Costco stores in bulk.

The person who invented the Snuggie.

On second thought, forget the last one.

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Willblogforlols is an equal opportunity dreamer.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Nightmare Or No Nightmare

July 22, 2010

"You may now kiss your ass goodbye."

Guys…

Wanna be on TV?

Wanna get PAID to be on TV?

Great…just propose to your girlfriend in front of  a live studio audience and ask her to marry you RIGHT NOW!

That’s the backdrop for Howie Mandel’s new TV pilot, and he’s looking for a fearless guy to POP THE QUESTION and GET MARRIED INSTANTLY ON TV!

Sounds like “The Bachelor’s” nightmare, doesn’t it?

Sounds like EVERY GUY’S nightmare, doesn’t it?

Oh…and sorry, guys. No INSTANT bachelor party before the wedding. 

Buy, hey, you’ll be on TV!

Quick annulment not included.

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Please, no gifts. Just money.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Report: ‘The Man’ To Give Us More Money

July 21, 2010

 

"Did you miss me?"

Fellow Unemployed People… 

Did you hear the government’s close to signing a bill that would give us unemployment extensions again

Make no mistake about it, there still aren’t any jobs to apply for. 

But at least we’ll all be getting some pocket change again! 

That means we can finally spend money again on the bare necessities. 

Like strippers and massages. 

Just like the very people who tried to stop the bill

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Be patriotic. Blog American.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

It was so hot in LA today…

July 20, 2010

"Sun of a bitch." - Mel Gibson

Lindsay finally stuck with a lawyer

Al Gore stuck his tongue down a water hose

Sarah Palin had to hose down Bristol and Levi

Paris Hilton demanded bong water from the French Alps

Betty White’s muffin’s finally moist. 

Larry King just wore suspenders. 

Bored kids were spraying Endust just to have their hands wrapped around something ice-cold. 

Kids were refraining from peeing in the pool just to keep the water temp down. 

Mel Gibson was panting just from the heat. 

Mel Gibson called Oksana “a bitch in heat.” 

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to be named a hurricane on The Weather Channel. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. 

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Real Job Ad: Blockbuster Video

July 19, 2010

Proudly serving third world countries and the elderly since 2003.

WANTED: Someone to finally close us down and put everyone out of their misery! We still have stores across America, despite the fact no one’s walked into a Blockbuster to rent videos since 2003 (the last time someone entered a Blockbuster was to ask where the nearest mailbox was to send back their Netflix). And, seriously, who watches movies on “videocassettes” anymore? Experience closing down Radio Shacks and Woolworth’s a plus. Knowing what to do with 550,000 unused plastic Blockbuster bags and hard shell VHS cases with the squeezed ends a plus. And finally…if people ask what you’re doing tonight and you say “Making it a Blockbuster night,” do not apply.

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Don’t forget to sign up for our Rewards Program to get even more Freelols!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com