My Torrid Affair with a Cell Phone

My cell phone, during better days.

It was love at first cell.

My new cell phone, fresh out of the box.

Smooth and shiny, with that new phone smell.

So shiny, I didn’t even want to touch it.

“No way, it’ll leave a smudge!”

I took care of my new cell phone like my own baby.

I’d wash my hands before each use.

I’d always hold it firmly so it wouldn’t drop.

I’d gently press the buttons.

I’d put it on vibrate when a date didn’t work out.

Everything was going so wonderful with my cell phone.

Until it happened.

The first drop.

Yikes.

It left a mark.

It was painful to see.

It changed my relationship with the phone.

Things were never the same.

I was still very careful with the phone.

But after a while, I started getting more careless.

Another drop here, another drop there.

Soon, I’d be eating BBQ ribs and take a call without even wiping my hands.

It just got to the point where I didn’t care anymore.

I’d toss it around with the kid down the street.

I’d throw it against the wall when the neighbor was being loud.

I’d be out late at night, seeing other cell phones, while my cell phone was pacing by the front door, wondering where I was.

I wouldn’t take its calls.

I wouldn’t remember anniversaries.

I wouldn’t even put it on vibrate.

There was one last drop.

It was a bad drop.

You could actually see its endoskeleton exposed.

The flip part got loose and I could barely hear anyone.

Or as other people call that, T-Mobile.

It was time to part ways with my cell phone and get a new one.

I decided to pay my respects by giving it a proper burial.

I said, “Cell phone…you were good to me from the very start, and I took you for granted. As a new electronic gadget, you were so exciting to have. But the thrill was gone after about two weeks, when I got a brand new iPod. I just want to say, cell phone…I’m sorry for the way I treated you. And I’ll always love you.”

“Can you hear me now?”

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to develop a cell phone that drops 99% less by not shaping it like a bar of soap.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.    

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Brands Going Out of Biz

The T stands for "time's up!"

24/7 Wall St. has come out with its list of company brands that could disappear in the next year. Let’s take a look at a few.

Reader’s Digest – Once a publication found in your grandparents’ bathroom, even grandparents are now too embarrassed to have it lying around. Or they just forgot where they put it.

Blockbuster – I know…Blockbuster’s still around!?

T-Mobile – Customers are dropping T-Mobile faster than T-Mobile drops  calls.

Radio Shack – Radio Shack has great customer service, just not customers.

BP – Soon, BP will be smaller than small people.

Moody’s Corp. – Bet the news is making execs very moody!

Mel Gibson’s Cracker Barrel in the Deep South. – Where will black jews in the Deep South go now?

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to open a restaurant in the Deep South called McDon-lols. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Famous Work Quotes

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life…especially if NBC pays you off to leave. – Confucius

No work, no money. No money, no honeys. – Tiger Woods

A champion of the working man has never yet been known to die of overwork…but then again, Jay Leno was rushed to the hospital. – Robert Frost

Thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work…and it must be lightning that affects T-Mobile customers. – Mark Twain

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die…shouldn’t Joan Rivers be dead by now? – Eleanor Roosevelt

Work is a refuge of people who have nothing better to do…except for K-Fed. – Oscar Wilde

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man from a rich family who’s the happier man. – Benjamin Franklin. 

Want is the mother of industry. Want but can’t have is a real motherf@#$%r.  – Proverb

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get replaced by a guy in India twelve hours away. – Robert Frost

Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves…oh, who am I fooling. – Dale Carnegie

A man grows most tired while standing still…which is why they never made vertical La-Z-Boys. – Chinese proverb

Every calling is great when greatly pursued…unless it’s a guy asking a girl for a date on his cell phone while going through a tunnel. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I’d kill to be at a normal 9-5 right now. – OJ Simpson

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only. You can find the actual work quotes and many more here. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com