Archive for November, 2010

WANTED: Inmates

November 30, 2010

"Cops" alumnai welcome.

A production company in LA’s seeking former inmates to share their stories about life on the outside.

This “positive” show’s not designed to exploit, but rather “demonstrate” past mistakes and lessons learned.

The pay is $500, which you’ll get on the final day of shooting since you’re a criminal and they don’t trust you. 

Additional info:

– If you get famous from the episode, glossies will be made for you via your mug shot.

– A pat down will be required before the interview.

– Please no orange jumpsuits. They don’t show up well behind a green screen.

– If they like your appearance, you’ll be offered a two-year deal to appear on other shows. Additional payment will be in the form of cigarettes (DOE).

– Lindsay Lohan’s already booked for the season premiere.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Gonna watch “Shawshank Redepmtion” airing on cable now for the 512th time.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Advertisements

Black & Blue Friday: Obama busts lip while playing b-ball

November 30, 2010

"Pardon the turkey, kill the guy who did this."

Someone busted Obama’s lip while playing basketball.

– He needed 12 stitches…one stich for every promise he didn’t fulfill since 2008.

– Imagine how many stitches if he went bowling!

– Fortunately since it was Black Friday, Obama got his stitches 60% off.

– After getting 12 stitches for  a busted lip, his approval rating went up 98%.

– Ironically afterwards, his lip hung to the far left.

– Obama’s down on his luck. He can’t play basketball, he can’t bowl, he can longer walk on water….

– After Sarah Palin heard what happened, she was in stitches.

– At least Obama now has a shot at playing for the Clippers in 2012.

– After seeing his busted lip, Nancy Pelosi said, “Botched lip injection, too?”

– The worst part about Obama’s busted lip…Joe Biden’s still his VP.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Remember, there’s no “I” in team. And there’s no “North” in Korean allies.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

How to ruin Thanksgiving this year

November 24, 2010

Turkey's done!

Tell everyone, “I’m voting for Palin in 2012.”

Tell everyone, “I’m becoming a TSA agent.”

Tell everyone, “I fucked the dog.”

Say, “Yuck, this turkey tastes like shit!”

Spike the pumpkin pie with marijuana.

Make turdicken: a dick stuffed in a turkey.

Tell relatives, “Ma said you can stay as long as you want!”

Make everyone watch “A Charlie Sheen Thanksgiving.”

After everyone’s full, punch everyone in the gut as hard as you can.

Fuck the dog.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Don’t try this at home. Don’t try this at anyone’s home.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

It’s so cold out….

November 23, 2010

No shit...

So cold out, Charlie Sheen had sex with a hooker just to feel the burn.

So cold out, Lindsay said, “That’s it. I’m not getting naked for ‘Inferno.'”

So cold out, Al Gore still managed to get an erection.

So cold out, people were asking for pat downs just for the body heat.

So cold out, someone sent a packet of hot cocoa mix to “Dancing With The Stars.”

So cold out, Kim Kardashian froze her ass off.

So cold out, The Situation finally wore a shirt.

So cold out, companies were finally freezing lay offs.

So cold out, Lindsay made up with her dad and then hell froze over.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Listening now to holiday music. Hell really has frozen over.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Female Paparazzi Needed!

November 19, 2010

"Say frown!"

On Craigslist, there’s an ad for a reality show seeking female paparazzi. Must be very attractive.

Um, have you seen the paparazzi? If they were very attractive, they’d be stars, not paparazzi.

And there aren’t exactly a lot of female paparazzi, in case you didn’t notice.

How many, like 3?

And they all probably look like Samantha Ronson.

How’s funny is that: a chick who looks like Samantha Ronson taking photos of Samantha Ronson.

At least they’re not making a sex tape together.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Gonna practice my dialogue now to become a paparazzo…”Yo (star’s name), how you doin?”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Get Tix Now For The Fame Whore Tour ’10!

November 18, 2010

Remember me, bitches?

Will Do Anything For Fame Productions presents…

        THE FAME WHORE TOUR ’10

                  (aka Loserpalloza)

It’s like A Night of 1000 Stars…

but more like A Day of 1000 Asswipes.

Come see these schmucks one last time in ’10 before we forget about them for good!

JUST ADDED!!!

The girl who wore a bikini to LAX.

The guy who wore a speedo for TSA in Salt Lake City!

AND STARRING:

The Guy Who Said “Don’t Touch My Junk” to the TSA.

The Guy Who Slid off The Plane with Two Beers.

Four of the 17 Girls Who Slept With Tiger Woods.

The Ugly Nazi Chick Who Slept With Jesse James. 

The Rock Band That Parked Their Van Sideways on the 101 Fwy.

Danny Bonaduce

What’s-his-face and What’s-her-face from last season’s “American Idol.”

The Girl Who Claimed She Got Written Up At Hooters for Being “Too Fat.”

The Woman Who Claimed She Got Fired For Having Big Boobs.

The Woman Who Claimed She Got Fired For Dressing “Too Sexy.”

plus…

THIS YEAR’S GRAND MARSHAL: The Guy Who Claimed There Was A Boy In The Balloon (last year’s Fame Whore Tour ’09 Winner).

The Fame Whore Tour ’10 is set to take place at grand openings of IHOP restaurants near you!

Be there!!!

Not.

****

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. Set to become a “folk hero” myself by telling everyone above to go f-ck themselves.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Man Arrested after Proposal Gone Wrong at Burger Stand

November 15, 2010

You may now kill the bride.

A man So Cal was arrested after proposing to his girlfriend at a burger stand and trying to run her over after she said “no.”

– It’s “no” wonder she turned him down.

– Apparently, he decided to propose at a burger stand cause there was already a proposal happening at the car wash.

– His proposal was doomed from the start. The ring was an onion ring,

– The worst part about it…they screwed up his order.

– Let’s say he did run her over…would that be considered a drive-thru?

– I hope for his sake he ordered the Freedom fries.

– I don’t think his lawyer has a very good argument: “He deserves a break today!”

– Guys…try proposing to your gf at a burger stand, you can just forget about In & Out!

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Trying to think of the worst place to proposal to someone. Sorry, this one takes……the cake.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Take a 4, 7, or 47-day cruise on Carnival!

November 12, 2010

"Mmmmmmmmmm, is that orgeano?"

At Carnival Cruise Lines, we put the Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! in Adventure!

If you’ve been seeking an adventure, a real adventure, you’ll absolutely love our all-new “Survivor: Splendor” cruise!

For starters, since winter’s approaching, we’ll surprise you on board with a roaring fire…right on the ship! That’s right, we put the “baked” in “Baked Alaska!”

Then, since everyone’s going green, we’ll go powerless, forcing you to make your way through a 5 million ton vessel in the dark with your bare hands. Some of you may be lucky enough to get 1 of 5 flashlights on the ship, but hey like we said, we put the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! in Adventure!

And since there’s a worldwide obesity problem, you can forget all the all-you-can-eat-buffets. Instead, how about spam for every meal! Oh, but not to worry…we’ll still be offering our World Famous Chocolate Spam Midnight Buffet!

And, to help you get to know your shipmates, you’ll all be sharing bathrooms! You have a choice of either the 6pm seating or 8pm seating…don’t forget to put the seat down!

Your “Survivor: Splendor” voyage may last 47 days or longer, depending on how stranded we can get the ship. Hey, at least you’re not stuck at your boring ass job, so stop bitching!

It actually could be worse…as the ship sinks, there could be a live band with Kathy Lee butchering Carnival’s world-famous jingle!

Sign up today! Mention “uh, all the toilets are filled to the rim with diarrhea” and get 10% off!

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Thinking about a cruise…………think I’ll go with Royal Carribean.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

“That wasn’t a missle, it was an airplane.”

November 11, 2010

Orange you glad it was just an airplane taking off like a missle?

…And that was Jesus on that slice of toast.

…And the economy’s better.

….And pro wrestling’s real.

….And so is Santa Claus.

….And I’m the Queen of England.

I am!!!

I just learned about Facebook this week.

And next week…

I just might get one of my servants to sign me up for Twitter.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Still unsure about that Face on Mars thing tho.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.        

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com