Archive for March, 2010

What they say/what they mean

March 31, 2010

When a candidate says I HAVE FOUR OR FIVE OTHER JOB OFFERS ON THE TABLE.

It means…I’LL BE WAITING BY THE PHONE FOR YOUR OFFER.

**
When a hiring manager says WE’RE LOOKING TO FILL THE POSITION IN 4-6 WEEKS.

It means…EH – ONLY IF WE FIND SOMEONE WHO TOTALLY DOES IT FOR US.

**
When a hiring manager says TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.

It means…THAT’S RIGHT – I’M GONNA MAKE THIS INTERVIEW EVEN MORE PAINFUL THAN A ROOT CANAL ON A WATERBOARD.

**
When a candidate says I’M A TEAM PLAYER AND WORK WELL WITH OTHERS.

It means…I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF TO BACK IT UP OTHER THAN USING A CLICHE.

**
When a hiring manager asks ANY QUESTIONS.

It means…THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING STUPID BEFORE I SHOW YOU THE DOOR.

**

When a hiring manager says WE’RE NOT SURE YET IF THIS IS A FREELANCE OR FULL TIME POSITION.

It means…THIS IS A FREELANCE POSITION.

**

When a hiring manager or candidate says IT WAS PLEASURE MEETING YOU!

It means…THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU’LL EVER SEE ME.

**

When a hiring manager says WE’LL BE IN TOUCH.

It means…THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU’LL EVER SEE ME.

**

When a hiring manager says WE OFFER HANDS ON TRAINING…VERY HANDS ON TRAINING.

It means…RUN!!!

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Advertisements

How Do You Take Rejection?

March 29, 2010

So a company brings you in for an interview.

Perhaps they bring you in for several interviews.

Things look good until you get the call.

“We decided to go with another candidate.”

How do you take the rejection?

Do you take it like Homer Simpson and go, “Doh…son of a…”

Or do you take it like a defeated Presidential candidate:

“My fellow Americans…I fought the good fight and unfortunately, lost (boos). But let me be clear. I am not through yet (cheers). I am still standing (cheers). Therefore, in the event that things don’t work out with the chosen candidate, perhaps you’ll hold on to my resume, so that I can be given another chance to prove that I am the top candidate (cheers, whistling and applause).”

…followed by this speech in your head:

“Oh, you idiots! You picked the wrong guy. No wonder your country company’s going down the toilet…you morons don’t know how to choose a candidate! I hope the new hire flakes on you guys or screws up badly and you guys come running back to me, begging me for the job! Hmmm….let’s see how quickly I accept. Better yet, let’s see how much more money I demand before accepting the job.”

“…And God Bless America!”

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Celebrity first jobs

March 26, 2010

Miley Cyrus: being the “before” picture for a dental ad.

Jesse James: working at the factory that makes Cheat-os Cheetos.

Joan Rivers: being maid of honor at the wedding of Adam & Eve.

Joe Biden: editing language from movies for TV.

Nancy Pelosi: activist against plastic surgery.

Sarah Palin: quitting her first job.

Justin Bieber: singing baritone.

Lady Gaga: playing nuts in a play about squirrels.

Tiger Woods: undressing other women with his eyes.

Mel Gibson: hating jews.

*****

This post is purely a parody and for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Step Away From The Computer!

March 25, 2010

If you’re out of work like me, you know how stressful it is to find work.

After all, there is no work.

Still, you can’t spend all your time in front of the computer looking for jobs…not with all the FREE TIME we’ve just inherited!

STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!

Take advantage of the free time you now have ALL WEEK.

Once you land a new job, that free time will probably go back to just nights and weekends.

Go take a nap!

Be the envy of all your employed friends!

Go take a hike somewhere!

Clear your mind!

Start a new hobby!

Go to Vegas!

You’re broke anyway!

If you’re an adulterer, hey – now you have more time to cheat!

See how fun being out of work can be!!!

The point is…you can’t spend your all your time out of work trying to find jobs.

You need a balance of work and play.

You feel me?

What’s that…you haven’t even started looking for a job yet…

Oh.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Today, I was wondering…

March 24, 2010

If Chick-fil-A had Jewish owners, would it be closed on Saturdays.

If anyone still calls resumes CVs.

If anyone still uses a typewriter to compose CVs.

If there’s a CEO of a company named SEO.

If they hand out pink slips at Pink Taco.

If they hand out pink slips at Victoria’s Secret.

If someone would get fired at Apple for using a PC.

What a corner office in a dome-shaped building looks like.

If Forbes ever made its own list.

If anyone ever noticed that resume backwards is emuser.

If anyone’s emused by my blog.

*****
Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

50 Worst Interview Mistakes, but wait…there’s more!

March 23, 2010

An article came out recently about the 50 worst mistakes you can make during an interview.

Some examples include:

– bringing along a friend, or your mother.

– laughing, giggling, whistling, humming, lip-smacking.

–  asking too  many questions.

– taking a seat before the interviewer does.

– failing to ask for the job.

With those in mind, here are some more interview no-nos:

– bringing along your posse, pet gerbil, and any hookers you may pick up on the way.

– breathing, blinking, looking, moving, walking, existing. 

–  asking only 2.5-4 questions instead of the usual 5.14-8 (ah, they HATE that!!!) 

– taking the corner office before the interviewer does.

– asking for a blow job.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Sexual harassment in the workplace is not only unacceptable, it’s not welcome here. The last thing my blog needs is a virus.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Sorry I’m late…the dog ate my excuse

March 18, 2010

Did you see this?

Careerbuilder put out a list of the most outrageous excuses for being late to work.

Here’s the list:

I got mugged and was tied to the steering wheel of my car.

(And my car’s a Prius)

My deodorant was frozen to the window sill.

(I didn’t know taxi drivers used deodorant)

My car door fell off.

(It’s a 1 AD Yugo)

It was too windy.

(And that was just from all my hot air)

I dreamt I was already at work.

(Then I dreamt I was fired)

I had to go to the hospital because I drank antifreeze.

(And now the damn car won’t work because I put coffee in it)

I had an early morning gig as a clown.

(I know…what bozo would come up with that excuse?)

A roach crawled in my ear.

(Now I’m starting a business as a roach motel)

I saw an elderly lady at a bus stop and decided to pick her up.

(She was great in bed)

My dog swallowed my cell phone.

(But now the reception’s better)

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. This post was intended to be funnier, but the dog ate my humor.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Today, I’m wondering…

March 17, 2010

If hiring managers and candidates actually mean it when they say, “It was a pleasure meeting you!”

If anyone behind the counter at Hot Dog On A Stick ever goes, “I’m going to speak to someone about wearing these stupid idiotic hats.”

If it ever feels like a Monday at TGI Fridays.

If someone’s ever actually worked at McDonalds from high school all the way until retirement.

If employees at Radio Shack have ever told their families they work at Radio Shack.

If the question “Any questions?” at the end of an interview is really a trick question.

If the turnover rate’s high at a bakery that specializes in turnovers.

If Swanson’s main office is divided up like a TV dinner.

If I’ll find another job again – before I’m dead.

If it’s possible to get more than four people a day to read my blog.

*****

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

So You Think You Can Write For Late Night?

March 16, 2010

Have you always dreamed of being on Leno or Letterman’s writing staff?

Do your parents tell you all the time you’re really funny?

Do you wanna be paid millions of dollars to write for late night?

Well, today’s your lucky day…I’m going to tell you HOW TO WRITE FOR LATE NIGHT.

First, the GOOD NEWS: It’s easy to break into late night as a freelance writer.

Now the BAD NEWS:  You’re never going to work in late night as a staff writer.

Call it tough love, but it’s the awful truth.

Here’s the deal:

– There are about 100 staff writing jobs in late nite.

– There are 1000s who want to write for late nite.

– People rarely leave their late nite writing jobs.

So here’s how you can turn your talent into a little side career…

1.) Look around at the day’s top stories and write 10 jokes.

2.) Send them in to the shows’ head writers & tell them you wanna write for late night.

If you’re good, and the show takes freelance writers, you’ll hear back from them.

They’ll make you sign a release form.

Now you’re set to fax jokes or email jokes into your favorite show and get paid $75-$100 for each joke they use.

…but you’re not alone. Many aspiring comedy writers do this.

Leno previously used hundreds and thousands of freelance writers to help him out with his monologue jokes for “The Tonight Show.”

I’ve been freelancing for Leno for over 10 years.

I’ve gotten lots of jokes on.

Hundreds.

And I’ve never been asked to join his staff.

I know a guy who also freelances for Leno for about the same amount of time.

He’s gotten TRIPLE the amount of jokes as me.

TRIPLE!!!

And he’s STILL not on staff, either.

Don’t expect to be asked to join Leno or Letterman’s writing staff.

It won’t happen.

Ever.

Well okay, it could happen.

And the day it happens, Megan Fox will also hit on you.

*****

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Taking the day off

March 15, 2010

No posting on Monday 3/15. I lost an hour due to Daylight Savings and now I have to go find it.

*****


Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com