Archive for August, 2010

NEW Famous Work Quotes

August 31, 2010

- A mime.

“All the good jobs are either taken or gay.”

“A penny saved is a penny that’s never going to be used anyway.”

“Work’s a bitch. Then you get laid off.”

“Take this job and get a reality show out of it.”

“Work hard, play hard, as long as there’s time for Facebook.”

“Do what you love, as long as the cleaning crew’s gone and you have a towel.”

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Frown because your never-ending job search now begins.”

“In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. Somehow, Bristol Palin’s now on her 16th minute.”

“When you come to a fork in the road, say, ‘Fork it.'”

“When one door closes, another opens. Sadly for most Americans, that door will be McDonalds.”

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

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Top 10 Excuses for having cocaine found in your purse

August 30, 2010

This is your brain on drugs.

By special guest Paris Hilton

10.) The drugs aren’t mine. They’re the black kid’s. Yes, the same one Lindsay Lohan blamed when the drugs weren’t hers, either. 

9.) The drugs aren’t mine. They must belong to another slut. 

8.) The drugs aren’t mine. They must have been planted there by someone who hates me — so it could be anyone. 

7.) The drugs aren’t mine. They’re for anyone forced to see my acting or hear my singing. 

6.) The drugs aren’t mine. The only thing I keep in my purse is penis. 

5.) The drugs aren’t mine. They couldn’t be mine. I’ve been packing for a trip to Chicago, hitting golf balls, taking a nap, cutting my finger on a glass… 

4.) The drugs aren’t mine. I only smoke crack from the French Alps. 

3.) The drugs aren’t mine…I’ve never even smoked Tijuana. 

2.) The drugs aren’t mine. They belong to my imaginary friend, Mr. Sniffleupagus. 

1.) The drugs aren’t mine. I don’t need drugs. I naturally act retarded. 

***** 

This post is purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. If you hate the contents of this post, the jokes aren’t mine. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.   

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

SUMMER BLOWOUT! “It’s so hot today” jokes!

August 27, 2010
 
 
 
 
 
 

Not a cloud in the sky. Or a bitchy JetBlue flight attendant.

ALL WEATHER JOKES MUST GO!!! DO NOT PAY TIL 2009!!!

It was so hot today…

Lindsay Lohan splashed cold vodka on her face.

That Muslim at Disneyland took off her hijab.

Snooki started her own Hard Lemonade stand.

Dr. Laura tried to chill with Ice Cube.

Lindsay’s mom actually bought a Carvel cake.

That JetBlue flight attendant finally cooled his jets.

Levi Johnston impregnated a girl with frozen sperm.

Lady Gaga finally won Who Wore It Best…by being naked.

I actually saw someone drink water from a drinking fountain.

And finally…

It was so hot today…

I actually bought a milkshake from Millions of Milkshakes.

(Yes, they suck. Finally got around to trying their Oreo shake and it was basically ice water with little oreo crumbs. No flavor really. Wasn’t even creamy. I mean, aren’t milkshakes supposed to be creamy? And the oreo bits were microscopic. I mean, aren’t Oreos supposed to be chunky in milkshakes, so you can actually taste them? I’ll just stick with Oreo shakes from Jack and the Box & Burger King…tastier &  much cheaper! Just goes to show that celebrities like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan have no taste in milkshakes. No taste, get it? Actually, come to think of it, Lindsay has no taste, period. Plus, M.O.M.’s menu’s not easy to read. It’s hard to explain, you just have to be there…but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it. Anyway, thanks for asking.)

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Soon to get a new sponsor: Millions of Milkshakes.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Truth in Advertising

August 26, 2010

Not funny. Hilarious!

I’m pretty good at detecting BS.

…like how I’m still jobless after months of unemployment…

I keep coming across an ad on Craigslist in the TV/video jobs section and just have to laugh.

Basically, this is the ad:

NO EMPLOYEES, JUST STARS!

Looking for fun and flirty female models to work in our online video chat rooms! You must have great energy, be open minded, and love to have fun. No Experience? We’ll train you! Make friends with people from all over the world, while making great money. You’ll be in front of a computer, and chatting with people via web cam. Chat, Flirt, Laugh, Perform, it is all up to you.

Basically, this is the ad:

NO EMPLOYEES, JUST PORN STARS!

Looking for babes to act like whores in our online video chat rooms! You must have a great body, be open minded, and be slutty. No Experience? It’s not hard to act like a whore! Suck guys in from all over the world, while making great money. You’ll be in front of a computer, and chatting with lonely men. Then, you’ll Writhe, Undress, Laugh, Perform…on yourself, it’s all up to you.

Truth in Advertising.

Since I’m still jobless, I’m going in for this job.

Anyone know a good doctor who does sex reassignment?

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Remember, it’s not the size that counts. Well okay, it is.

Andrew Wisot is an Academy Award-winning, Grammy-winning, Emmy-winning, Pulitzer Prize-winning, MTV VMA-winning, MTV EMA-winning, MTV Movie Award-winning, BET Award-winning, Hot Dog Eating Contest-winning, Teen Choice Award-winning writer who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

EXCLUSIVE! Lindsay Lohan’s Rehab Discharge Papers

August 25, 2010

                            REHAB DISCHARGE PAPERS

I, Lindsay Lohan, hereby acknowledge and accept discharge from UCLA rehab after only 22 days out of the standard 45 days (like, DUH!). I understand I am being released early because doctors concluded that I’ve been “misdiagnosed” and that my psychiatric problems are not nearly as severe as first thought. See?…I am a better “actress” than everyone thought, haha. Additionally, I certify and acknowledge that I’m being discharged early because the staff at UCLA couldn’t stand me either and just don’t want to deal with an overmedicated diva who won’t listen to anyone.

I also acknowledge that I’m getting out early because, as part of the deal, my lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, donated $650,000 to UCLA administration to help see that “the process” moved along quickly. Hopefully, Shawn Chapman Holley acknowledges that she won’t see a dime from me in return, since I’m often broke or blow all the money on important things, like blow.

I understand that as part of the discharge, I’m supposed to get on the next flight out of LA and move to New York, where things will be better for me; since NY has bars and a club scene, too. But hey, at least people in LA will now be safer on the roads. 

Last, I hereby declare and understand that I am not required to appear at today’s formal hearing, since I’ll be passed out.

Now where the f&ck’s my free Carvel?

UNDERSTOOD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND AGREED.

 

____________________________   (sign here)

Lindsay Lohan

****

This post is probably true purely a parody and written for entertainment purposes only. In 2012, the world will end. The only things that’ll remain: Lindsay’s retarded tweets and Last Call With Carson Daly.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

How to Lose a Job in 10cc’s

August 24, 2010

Mountain Spunk Water

An employee was arrested after allegedly contaminating a female co-worker’s water bottle with his own sperm

…Apparently, she got suspicious after he kept passing her in the hallway and going, “Hey, squirt.” 

…The worst part: after drinking the bottle, she went, “Oh, hair gel…” 

…Sadly, cause it’s over 100 degrees this week, the woman said she’d drink the bottled sperm water again. 

…I don’t know what’s worse: getting arrested for this, or everyone knowing now that you’re small enough to fit into a water bottle. 

…You don’t even want to know what he did to her Sloppy Joe. 

…There’s now a movie in the works about the whole thing. It’s going to be called, “Salt.” 

…Ironically, the name of the water bottle he did this in: Arrowhead. 

…This is definitely going to leave a stain on his record. 

…On the bright side, the guy who went down the inflatable chute wants his number.

…At least it finally answers the $64,000 question: yes, she swallows. 

***** 

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Please no unnecessary bodily fluids here. I have a blacklight. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Paris Hilton To Open Her Own Line of Hotels

August 17, 2010

The front desk...

Paris Hilton says she’s opening her own line of hotels.

…putting the ‘ho’ in hotel.

…it should do well, since most guys have already stayed in a Hilton.

…don’t confuse Paris’ line of hotels with her vagina — the roach motel.

…it’s the only hotel where the pool service is getting serviced by Paris.

…the rates, of course, are by the hour…………………………………

…if you miss the late checkout, they kick you out by playing a Paris Hilton CD in your room.

…the bed sheets will be 400 count, even though Paris can’t count that high.

…it’ll be the only hotel mini bar with $400 sushi and $60 bottles of Smart Water. Smart Water…the irony.

…instead of happy hours, each day will feature 420 Fridays (but only cause Paris can’t decipher the days of the week).

…the spa’s slogan: “Happy Endings, Guaranteed.”

…If you start to feel a burning sensation while staying at Paris Hilton’s hotel, not to worry, it’s normal.

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Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Free continental breakfast between 6am – 6:01am. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. 

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

A letter for the people behind “Eat Pray Love”

August 16, 2010

"Even *I* went to go see 'The Expendables' this weekend."

Dear People behind “Eat Pray Love,”

Over the weekend, a group of aging men beat up a girl.

The victim was Julia Roberts. She was supposed to bring in swarms of women to the movies with a chick flick called, “Eat Pray Love.”

She didn’t

At the mall here in Century City, I was in a perfume store, where there were flyers all over the store promoting perfumes inspired by “Eat Pray Love.” While looking outside the store, there was a huge “building-sized” billboard for “Eat Pray Love.”

Sadly, the ads for “Eat Pray Love” just weren’t visible enough.

Or perhaps it’s because women prefered to see Sylvester Stallone’s botched botox job, Mickey Rourke’s head lice, and “living” proof that Dolph Lundgren’s still alive.

Or perhaps it’s because women didn’t feel like watching Julia Roberts get wet for a pizza.

Or perhaps it’s because women were getting wet for a film filled with one manly action hero after another.

Or perhaps it’s because women finally grew balls.

Or, all the above.

Even Julia Roberts’ brother, Eric Roberts, was in “The Expendables,” and people still went to see the film.

To put it another way, “Eat Pray Love” sucked rhino cock.

In closing, let this be a lesson to any director thinking of putting out another chick flick movie.

Don’t.

Ever.

Unbiasly yours,

Me & every other male on the planet

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Some material may be inappropriate for hermaphrodites under 13.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. 

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

It’s Friday the 13th

August 13, 2010

"Just My Luck"...my mom's Dina Lohan.

Whatever you do today…

Don’t go to Black Cat, Bad Luck & Beyond.

Don’t watch Dina’s interview and become overwhelmed by the smell of BS.

Don’t shop at Forever 21 in Hollywood without a bodyguard.

Don’t eat the soup at Claim Jumper unless you want to practice safe sex.

Don’t stop to pee at any rest stops.

Don’t stop to pee at any rest stops, anyway.

And whatever you do…

Don’t ask this guy for directions off the plane.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. If you’re dyslexic, Happy 31st the Friday!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. 

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Cocktease Jobs

August 12, 2010

The ultimate cocktease job.

Cocktease jobs.

Have you ever come across one?

You know, a job posting that looks great and promising, but then has some kind of catch?

I did.

Came across a posting for copywriter job for BLT & Associates.

The job: writing taglines for “every genre” of film, TV, cable, home entertainment etc.

YES!!!

You know what tagline writers do, right?

They’re the people who think up such “brilliant” movie advertising slogans as, “They’re here,” “Who you gonna call?,” and “Houston, we have a problem.”

Boy, tough job…………………………………….

Requirements:

– Smart, funny and creative writer with a love of movies.

YES!!!

– Thrive in a fast paced and challenging environment.

YES!!!

– MUST HAVE 2+ years of movie ad copy writing experience
or you will not be considered!!!

WHAT???

That eliminates 997 people out of 1,000 applicants.

Don’t TEASE us like that.

Don’t post an amazing job, then include an impossible requirement!

My cats can write better taglines than most of these bozos!

You know what I’m gonna do?

I’m still gonna apply for the job, and tell them I have 2+ years experience anyway.

Then, when they make an offer, this is what I’m going to tell them:

“I’ll think about it. However, you MUST tell me at least 2 people who have even heard of BLT & Associates or you will not be considered!!!”

And why the hell would you name your company after a sandwich?

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Tagline for my upcoming movie about being laid off: “Mr. Write has been wronged.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. 

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com