Goodbye, Everyone. Job Search Over…I Think?!

March 4, 2011

Produced by Andrew Wisot. Andrew Wisot produced by His Parents.

After 1 year, 3 months, and four days of being unemployed, I received a job offer that I decided to accept.

I am joining Conan’s writing staff for $250,000 a year.

No, not really.

I’ve accepted a part-time job that could lead to full-time. Training starts at the end of the month.

As I’ve always stated at the end of my blogs, I would Blog For LOLs until I was employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. Well, it’s been 500,000 miles, and as you all know, gas prices are a real bitch.

Actually, I haven’t decided yet if this will be the final blog for Freelols/Willblogforlols, but I can tell you I won’t have the time to blog after the end of the month.

Go ahead, have a good cry. Really. You’ll feel better.

However, I am still fielding other offers.

Employers…feel free to peruse for writing/blogging samples. But…time is running out!

Everyone else….Boycott Lindsay.

Goodbye. For now.

*****

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Don’t follow me on Twitter.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

12 Steps Charlie Sheen Needs to Take ASAP

March 3, 2011

Uh-oh...Charlie's talking out of his ass again.

1.) Shut up. Rinse. Repeat.

2.) Detox. Rinse. Repeat.

3.) Take an actual drug test. Not a breathalyzer from Promises to determine if his breath smells like cocaine.

4.) Realize he has idiot blood, not tiger blood. He only has the sexual prowess of Tiger Woods.

5.) Understand the difference between winning and losing. He’s lost his show, his two kids, and his dignity. Wait, Sheen’s never had any dignity!

6.) Stop thinking about sex anytime someone says the number six.

7.) Realize there’s no such drug called Charlie Sheen. I looked it up!

8.) Get rid of that stupid grimace, complete with the arched eyebrows thing.

9.) No #9. Too busy following Sheen on Twitter cause I’m also an idiot and must do what everyone else does.

10.) Closing your eyes doesn’t cure addiction. Hiding out at Betty Ford for six months does.

11.) Get help quickly because I’m tired of the predictable comparisons with Lindsay Lohan and Moammar Khadaffi.

12.) Take 12-steps…to the nearest black hole.

13.) Uh-oh…Charlie Sheen’s butt f*cking another porn star again.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Going to watch World News Tonight now for some real news, like the real reason why Melissa Leo dropped the f-bomb at the Oscars.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Stripper DJ Wanted

March 2, 2011

Make the buns shake at minimum wage.

There’s a local strip club in town that’s seeking a DJ.

The ad says you MUST have strip club experience.

The job pays $8/hr. plus tips.

I don’t know many EXPERIENCED strip club DJ’s willing to settle for just $8/hr, but okay.

Other requirements:

– MUST be able to continually say in a monotonish voice, “Let’s give it up for Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeera.”

– MUST be able to mix the same three songs over and over again: Superfreak, Wiggle It, and Rumpshaker.

– MUST be able to play music at an unresaonable loud volume so the record’s completely distorted and the bass makes the speakers go out.

Oh…and you might get a blow job from one of the dancers…if you spin their new lame CD that they made just as a record exec sits down.

Wear a condom.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. And no, I’ve never been to the strip club mentioned above, I swear!!!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again for 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Don’t follow me on Twitter

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

Christina Aguilera Arrested…So F*cking What

March 1, 2011

"Oh say can you slur..."

Christina Aguilera arrested for public intoxication.

Yawn. Next.

OMG, did you hear Christina Aguilera got arrested? OMG!!!

OMG, so what.

Her crappy movie “Burlesque” is out on DVD today, BTW.

Coincidence?

Who cares.

Does that really work, anyway?

Getting in trouble with the law around a movie/album/book release?

OMG, Christina Aguilera got arrested!!! Hey, there’s her DVD. Let’s get it!!! 

Remember in the ’80s when stars like Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Cyndi Lauper released projects without the nonsense?

They just released projects cause they were good to begin with?

They didn’t need lame PR stunts to sell stuff.

Christina Aguilera sucks, and it shows.

BTW, I heard police knew she was drunk cause they made her sing the National Anthem and she sang it correctly.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Cher’s doing her part too to promote Burlesque: she’s appearing in public……without botox!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Man Guilty of Ejaculating into Co-worker’s Water Bottle

February 28, 2011

What would have happened if she dunked her water bottle after a run.

Remember this story?

A  male employee was arrested for allegedly ejaculating his sperm into a sexy female co-worker’s water bottle on two seperate occasions. She drank it both times and got sick.

Professional idiot Kevin Lallana confessed that he did it because “he felt that was as close as he could get to her” and by ejaculating into her water bottle “her lips would have touched” his sperm.

Imagine if he actually said something creepy!

The first time the female co-worker drank the bottle she got sick and threw it away.

The second time it happened, she sent the water bottle to a lab.

That’s when Lallana got himself into a “sticky” situation.

And, there are more problems now.

Turns out the female co-worker’s mouth is now pregnant with Lallana’s child.

That’s a lot to take in.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Wondering now what the inside of the female co-worker’s mouth looks like under a black light. 

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Translating Charlie Sheen

February 25, 2011

Here's Charlie Sheen, spotted earlier today. He's clearly nuts!

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second. I’m not perfect, and bitching and just delivering the goods at every [expletive] turn. Because look what I’m dealing with, man – I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is your brain on drugs. Leave it to trained unprofessionals like me.”

“There’s no reason to then bring them back into the fold because I have real fame – they have nothing. They have zero. They have that night. And I will forget about them as the last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will get out there and they will sell me and they will lose.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is what happens when someone fucks your brains out one too many times.”

“I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process. I’ve spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don’t know, effortlessly and magically converted your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”

TRANSLATION: “Even I have no idea what  the hell I’m talking about.”

“I’ve got magic, I’ve got poetry at my fingerprints. Why give an interview when you can leave a warning. I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is more than a cry for help. It’s a hysterical sob for help.”

“I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

TRANSLATION: “I’m about to shave my head and hit someone with an umbrella, preferably Lindsay.”

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Actually, what Charlie Sheen says makes perfect sense. Just ask Moammar Gadaffi.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Rejection Letters

February 24, 2011

TMI.

I got one the other day.

I applied to a company, had an initial phone interview, and then never heard from them again.

A month later, I got a rejection letter from them, basically saying, “Thank you for your interest in our company. We regret to inform you that we’ve decided to go with another candidate.”

DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, really?!?

When I tell people about this, most say, “Well, at least they were nice enough to let you know.”

Well yeah…but I already knew.

Look, if a company’s interested in you, they’re not going to keep you hanging for more than a week.

They’ll let you know.

They’ll get in touch.

They’ll keep you updated.

If not…

They’re Just Not That Into You.

Do we really need rejection letters to state the obvious?

Yeah, as much as we need Ricky Martin to announce that he’s gay.

…Or a poll that LA has the worst traffic.

…Or A-Rod admitting he took steroids.

BTW, I also heard somewhere that junk food isn’t good for you.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.  Going to write to that company now and give them a counter-rejection letter.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Gas prices are getting so bad…

February 23, 2011

Over 50 Billion Screwed.

– Lindsay Lohan and her prosecutor carpooled together to today’s court hearing.

– Today in Beverly Hills, unleaded’s now $4.01 and 10/10.

– Instead of saying “Welcome to Shell,” they’re just saying, “Bend over.”

– Charlie Sheen’s now getting screwed at the gas station.

– (In fact, it’s now costing Charlie $100,000 for full service.)

– Instead of Unleaded, Premium, and Diesel, it’s Tall, Grande, and Venti.

– In addition to paying at the pump, everyone’s now praying at the pump.

– Taco Bell may not have real meat, but at least they have free gas.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS: If gas prices get any higher, Lindsay won’t be able to afford gas to drive.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Going out now to buy something a lot less expensive than gas, like Starbucks Coffee.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

What I Did On President’s Day

February 22, 2011

Always with Stupid.

I thought of the President of the Hair Club for Men.

I thought of Barack Obama and did nothing for the country.

I thought of Abe Lincoln and went to the theater. Luckily, I didn’t get shot.

I saw “The King’s Speech” at the theater and thought of George W. Bush.

I didn’t think of George Washington. I cannot tell a lie.

I thought of Bill Clinton and, well, still can’t believe he got Lewinskied while talking to a Congressman on the phone. That’s gross.

I thought of Clinton’s VP Al Gore, yawned, and fell asleep.

I thought of 2012. And realized if Sarah Palin becomes President, there will definitely be a sequel to “The King’s Speech.”

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Just thought if Lindsay Lohan was President, we’d have to say, “All hail to the thief!”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

BREAKING NEWS: TMZ Looking For Tour Guides!

February 18, 2011

"...and to our left is the very tree that Lindsay hit about 2 hours ago."

TMZ, yes the gossip site, is getting into the tour guide business.

That’s right, now you can look like a total idiot being driven around Hollywood in an open bus by TMZ!

They’ve partnered with Starline Tours for a “revolutionary new experience aboard a custom-fitted bus” and they’re seeking tour guides that have “the gift of gab.”

They also want tour guides who know the difference between Minka Kelly from Mila Kunis (well, there goes my chance) and Mark Salling from The Situation.

Hey, I know the difference!

Mark Salling will still be around in a year.

Other requirements for the TMZ tour job:

– Must know where exactly to point out Lindsay’s enablers.

– Must know paparazzi broken English fluently.

– Must be able to get one of Charlie Sheen’s whores aboard the bus and strip.

– Must claim to have the exclusive on Lindsay’s next arrest, even though you  have no idea what you’re talking about and it totally contradicts what RadarOnline, People, and US are reporting.

– Must be able to explain to tourists why people would actually want to watch live video of Harvey and his employee what-his-face make commentary on TMZ.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. THIS JUST IN: OK! magazine now getting into the dry cleaning business!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com