BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Turns 30!

February 17, 2011

"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to."

…The exact same number as her IQ!

…Doesn’t it seem just like yesterday when Paris was naked and making undistinguishable sounds?

….Today, Paris said that 30 is the new 13. Then she said, “Wait a minute, wasn’t that, like, a movie?”

….Paris said loves birthdays cause she gets to wear her favorite outfit: her birthday suit.

….For a gift, someone finally gave Paris her own purse with cocaine in it.

….She also got a new little dog to misplace.

….And a $250,000 sports car to crash.

….One awkward moment at Paris’ party, when Lindsay Lohan showed up unexpectedly and stole the show.

….For those of you not old enough, Paris Hilton is best known for becoming a celebrity without actually having a job.

Long before the Kardashians.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. In honor of Paris’ birthday, I’ll put a candle on her CD and light it. Actually, I’ll use a blow torch and just take my chances.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

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Top 10 Reasons Lindsay Punk’d David Letterman

February 16, 2011

"I feel crazy, oh so crazy!"

10. Pissed about his Top 10 list: Signs That Lindsay’s Out of Control. Imagine that…a late night host…making fun of a troubled celebrity in the news…

9. Bored while waiting for her new iPhone/ankle bracelet to come in the mail.

8. It was all “a misunderstanding.”

7. Thought it’d be funny to hear “Lindsay on Letterman” since she has daddy issues.

6. No #6. Passed out after drinking with Lindsay.

5. Was tired of being punk’d by being told, “You’re a wonderful actress!”

4. She felt like an LUI…lying under the influence.

3. Needed the press.

2. She’s more of a Chelsea Lately fan. No, really, she’s more of a Chelsea fan……………. 

1. She felt like stealing the show.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Hey, Lindsay: David Letterman called. He said, “Bend that tight little ass over, bitch.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

IDIOTS OF THE WEEK: Family Sues Disney Over Burning Nacho Cheese

February 15, 2011

If you see any nachos trying to burn children, contact security.

So much for the Happiest Place on Earth.

A family is suing Disney World after their son was eating Nachos for dinner and got burned by the nacho cheese when the cheese spilled on his face.

They say Disney’s at fault for “making no effort” to regulate the temperature of its nacho cheese.

…Because nacho cheese is supposed to be served at room temperature.

You know, maybe it’s not the temperature of the nachos that’s the problem…

Maybe it’s the fat ass kid’s fault for stuffing his face too fast. 

I’m not so sure either the family’s being genuine with their lawsuit.

They’re also suing the milk industry after their kid cried over spilled milk.

Unfortunately, E*Trade called the kid “a milkaholic” and settled with the family for $100 million.

Bastards.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Thinking now of suing Popsicle after having one and getting brain freeze.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Rejected Grammy Entrances for Lady Gaga

February 14, 2011

It's Dork from Ork!

– Lady Gaga walking in on fire.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Not busy enough.

Lady Gaga flying in on a magic carpet.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Her three wishes to become rich, famous, and extremely weird were already granted.

Lady Gaga wearing a Taco Bell meat dress.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Taco Bell thought her latest CD had too much filler.

Lady Gaga wearing Lindsay’s stolen necklace.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Gaga didn’t want any “misunderstandings” that she actually associates with loser kleptomaniacs…only with people who are completely nuts. Wait a minute…

Lady Gaga in a wheelchair.

REJECTED BECAUSE: The public already thinks her schtick’s getting old.

Lady Gaga wearing uniform from Hot Dog on a Stick.

REJECTED BECAUSE: She’s not into wieners (except for her gay fans). 

Lady Gaga flying in as Cupid.

REJECTED BECAUSE: They don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day on whatever planet she came from.

Lady Gaga dressed as Christina Aguilera.

REJECTED BECAUSE: She only looks like a mess, doesn’t sing like one.

Lady Gaga crawling in like a baby.

REJECTED BECAUSE:  Already did it for New Years.

Lady Gaga dressed as a transvestite from outer space.

REJECTED BECAUSE: Didn’t want to go as herself.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. And the big winner of the Grammys goes to…ME!…for not being sucked in to watching 3 hours of total crap.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  
Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Boycott Lindsay

February 11, 2011

Just unfriended me on Facebook...for no reason!

If you’re one of my 19 regular readers, you probably know that I slightly dislike tremendously hate Lindsay Lohan with a passion.

Actually, I don’t hate Lindsay. I used to be a Lindsay fan, believe it or not. I just hate what she’s become.

Okay, I hate her…it’s just so much fun!!!

It doesn’t take a genius to realize she’s riding the coattails of good luck thanks to her amazing lawyer while she gets away with murder over and over again.

Aren’t you sick of this?

Here’s an idea:

Boycott Lindsay.

– Don’t pay to see her movies.

– Don’t buy any of her fashion/beauty products.   

– Don’t watch ANYTHING on TV that promotes Lindsay – that is – UNTIL she finally cleans up her act and takes responsibility for her actions.

Oh, wait: no one sees her movies anyway.

Anyhoo…

Boycotting Lindsay is the only way society will send the message that we’re not gonna take her crap anymore.

Apparently, the long arm of the law won’t since it keeps giving her slaps on the wrist.

Boycott Lindsay.

******

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Coming up next week: Boycott Jersey Shore, Boycott Jersey Shore, and Boycott Jersey Shore.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Married Congressman Resigns After Allegedly Sending Topless Photo to Woman on Craigslist

February 10, 2011

Should be arrested for the lame pose.

A New York congressman named Christopher Lee has resigned after allegedly sending a shirtless photo of himself to a woman in the personals section of Craigslist.

Isn’t that shocking…Craigslist actually has real women in their personals section?

And what’s this sending shirtless photos to women on Craigslist?

That’s so MySpace. If the guy was a pro, he’d be sending penis shots like every other guy using Craigslist.

Lee, who’s married, responded to the woman’s ad in which she was seeking a “financially secure man.” After doing a search, she discovered he was married and immediately went the press.

That’s a sure way to keep a “financially secure man.”

At least Lee’s got the “Congressman” part down.

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. If you’re sick of political sex scandals, write your congressman. And don’t forget to include a pair of panties.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Other Things Lindsay’s Been Accused of Stealing

February 9, 2011

See ya guys at 1:30. Same courthouse, same channel.

– Tara Reid’s career.

– Chewbacca’s hair.

– Matt Dillon’s eyebrows.

– OJ’s grimace.

– Brooke Hogan’s bad orange tan.

– Madonna’s acting skills.

– Nothing here. Lindsay stole it.

– Paris Hilton’s brain.

– Paris Hilton’s flat chest.

– Paris Hilton’s purse with the coke that wasn’t hers that she was just holding for a friend when the cops just happened to arrive. 

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. And remember, friends don’t let friends loan anything to Lindsay Lohan.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT: Christina Aguilera’s Version of The National Anthem

February 8, 2011

Oh, say, can you sleep, until the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hail’d as Twilight’s last matinee showing.
Whose brought stripes and bright stars, to the pages of US Weekly?
O’er the ramparts we something something something…streaming?
And the rockets’ went up, the bombs went down,
One Nation under God,
Invisible, for liberty and justice for y’all!

Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you, Houston!!!

****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Proudly made in the TSA.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

Christina Aguilera “Screws Up” National Anthem

February 7, 2011

Thought it was called The Stupid Bowl.

In case you were living in a cave yesterday or just didn’t give a sh!t about the Super Bowl like me, Christina Aguilera “flubbed” the National Anthem.

Here’s what people will be saying at the office tomorrow: OMG, can you believe Christina Aguilera screwed up the National Anthem?

Here’s what people should be saying at the office tomorrow: OMG, can you believe Christina Aguilera pretended like she couldn’t remember the National Anthem just to get some cheap publicity? 

You’re telling me she really doesn’t know the National Anthem?
You’re telling me she was ‘just too nervous’ to perform it?

SHUT UP!!!

She’d perform the Pledge of Allegience error free if paid enough.                   

And she’d do it nude.

That’s right, I’m saying she “screwed up” on purpose!!!

I remember a time when showbiz was fun. 

When these things naturally happened.

Remember?

– Sean Penn punching out photographers.

– Hugh Grant’s hooker arrest.

– George Michael’s public restroom arrest.

– Britney/K-Fed divorce.

– Abe Vigoda’s sex change.

Now, look…I wasn’t born yesterday. Or the day before.

I know that a lot of things in entertainment/showbiz are fake.

But it seems like most everything these days is fake or staged.

– Jersey Shore

– Real Housewives…

– This celebrity “feuding” with this celebrity.

– This celebrity ‘cheating’ on this celebrity.

– Abe Vigoda really being Hugh Hefner’s father.

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even stand to read InTouch, People, and OK! anymore.

Except for US Weekly. They always get the EXCLUSIVES and they’re always accurate.

And no, I’m not just saying that because I’m a regular in their FASHION POLICE section every other week.

By the way, get 52 weeks of US Weekly (that’s one full year) for only $35.63!!!

Hey, remember when Jessica Simpson “flubbed” Dolly Parton’s song, “9 to 5?”

Yeah, that really happened. Jessica’s just a dumbass.

Xtina’s just a has-been.

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. So…what am I gonna do now that I didn’t watch the Super Bowl nor did I care? I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com

FOR SALE: MySpace

February 4, 2011

What's left of the MySpace office. LotsaSpace.

Once popular social network that’s become the Blockbuster of social media now for sale. Includes thousands of pics of young teen girls making stupid duck faces as well as topless teen boys flashing poser gang signs (as posted by 55-year-old men trying to arrange illegal underage sex with young teen girls). As a bonus, we’ll also throw in the patents for eight track tapes, the first model cell phone that weighed 5 pounds with a metal rod antenna attached to it, and Betamax (since they’re each worth  more than MySpace).  $.99 OBO. 

*****

This post is purely fictional and written for entertainment purposes only. I’ll buy MySpace, but only if it includes the one and only receipt of a sold ticket to the movie “Gigli.”

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter

 Email:  andrew@willblogforlols.com