Translating Charlie Sheen

Here's Charlie Sheen, spotted earlier today. He's clearly nuts!

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second. I’m not perfect, and bitching and just delivering the goods at every [expletive] turn. Because look what I’m dealing with, man – I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is your brain on drugs. Leave it to trained unprofessionals like me.”

“There’s no reason to then bring them back into the fold because I have real fame – they have nothing. They have zero. They have that night. And I will forget about them as the last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will get out there and they will sell me and they will lose.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is what happens when someone fucks your brains out one too many times.”

“I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process. I’ve spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don’t know, effortlessly and magically converted your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”

TRANSLATION: “Even I have no idea what  the hell I’m talking about.”

“I’ve got magic, I’ve got poetry at my fingerprints. Why give an interview when you can leave a warning. I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

TRANSLATION: “Kids, this is more than a cry for help. It’s a hysterical sob for help.”

“I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

TRANSLATION: “I’m about to shave my head and hit someone with an umbrella, preferably Lindsay.”


Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only. Actually, what Charlie Sheen says makes perfect sense. Just ask Moammar Gadaffi.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.  

Don’t follow me on Twitter



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